Are you dissatisfied with your current state on the societal ladder? Do you think you could better yourself, but are too lazy to learn how? Has the cruel realization that your parents can’t add more campus dollars to your balance in the real world hit you yet? The answer is: of course, you’re a free-loading liberal arts college student. Fortunately, you’re in luck. For this issue of The Bucknellian and this issue only, I will be providing my step-by-step how-to peak guide (pirates will be prosecuted). My how-to peak guide is surely to satisfy every reader’s most ambitious life goals, and is proud to contain 40 percent less bullsh*t than the leading competitor (“How-to Peak: For Dummies”). Before learning how to peak, however, it is important to understand exactly what it means to peak. 

To understand peaking, it is first helpful to think of a reference point. Recall “FLOW” the center point of the University’s enticing bathroom stall door newsletters, providing light reading while you take care of business. “FLOW” described a state of absolute focus on a given task, so much so that the work became satisfying more so than tedious, yet this was a fleeting feeling. Most FLOW states only last an average of eight minutes, before one inevitably resumes rotting their brain on the oddly satisfying section of Tik Tok. Peaking, however, is a way of life, a permanent shift of the brain into high gear, the very definition of p*ssing excellence, day in, day out. Upon peaking, you essentially become Jordan Belfort minus the quaaludes. What it means to peak is what means to be at the absolute top of your game, you and everyone else knowing damn well you’re all that and a bag of chips, no if’s and’s or but’s. 

Now for the pièce de résistance: how-to peak. First up is getting your body tighter than a US naval battleship entering Somalian pirate territory. Once you’re down at the KLARC, b-line it to the weight room for a sweet pump, or alternatively, the iron temple for a blessed worship session. The key in lifting to peak is not so much the weight, but making as much noise as possible. Slamming down plates, grunting and moaning as if you’re in game seven of the US Open, and playing music loudly enough through earbuds to be registered as criminal noise pollution. 

After a killer lift, it’s time to exercise your brain. The key here is not to work hard, but to work smart. Got a lot of reading to do? Sounds like that could cut into quality peak time there, hoss. Instead of reading the same paragraph for half an hour, use the technology that once distracted you to your advantage by the power of command-F. Get the important stuff while filtering out everything else. In every facet of life, confidence and short-cutting is the key to becoming alpha as quickly as possible. Once you master that, everything else comes naturally. Walk in everywhere like you own the place, talk to everyone like your son just beat theirs in a fist fight. 

(I am not responsible for anyone getting fired due to a sudden change in personality, particularly an a**hole-ish one, after reading this article). You’re welcome, America.