In a bid to reduce incidences of drunk driving on the University campus and environs, administration unveiled an alternative option for students to get around campus and downtown safely; on Monday, students woke up to find that thousands of Razor scooters had been “just kind of tossed into” various locations around campus.

Students walking to their morning classes tripped over scooters in the dark, belatedly discovering that almost every inch of free ground space had been covered by a Razor scooter. Student Health Center was reportedly filled with complaints of “the worst ankle injuries ever sustained,” per a representative. The fact that the scooters were secondhand – evident from the rust accumulating on their handlebars – didn’t help. 

“I used one of the scooters to get to class because I was late, but I couldn’t even really use the scooter for its intended purpose because the sheer amount of scooters lying around on the road, in the bushes, on the grass, hanging from the trees and on the walkways and sidewalks was just absurd,” Scooter McGavin ’23 said. “But I did steal three or four, just in case.” Oh, he can count. Good for him.

“It’s unbelievable that the administration will come up with what seems like thousands upon thousands of scooters seemingly overnight,” Emily Razor ’24 said, “but there isn’t a one-to-one parking spot to student ratio.”

Emily evidently misunderstood the purpose of the scooters in the first place – to combat drunk driving. Contrary to the University’s wishes, more parking spots would have simply encouraged the former practice. As it turns out though, Student Health found out very quickly that a drunk student on a scooter (or maybe even a few drunk students on a single scooter) is also dangerous to the safety of the students as well as those around them. Students have taken to “dive-bombing” the hill next to the Chapel on the scooters, which caused a lot of traffic issues for those driving on Moore Ave. Driving when 15 guys are laying in the middle of the road, blaming each other for “totally busting” the velocity of the scooter, is difficult in the most favorable environmental circumstances.

The Bucknellian learned that on Tuesday morning, faculty were seen using snow plows to shovel the scooters into the backs of several giant vans.