Gambling night swept by Vegas caravan

Aaron Chin, Contributing Writer

The University held a campus-wide casino night that got many students excited. With fun games such as poker, craps and blackjack, it looked like an evening ripe for fun activities. With fun games, music, and prizes, what could go wrong?

A lot, apparently. 

At 8:55 p.m. on Friday, the doors to casino night opened, revealing a caravan of menacing-looking bald white guys, all about 53 years old. They wore black tracksuits and walked in a triangle formation, with the leader wearing black sunglasses that covered his eyes.

One of the dealers approached the group. Their name was Thow Noggin (named “Thow” because they make it rain cash, and “Noggin” because they are always smarter than everyone else). Thow approached the leader, trying to appear more confident than they felt. 

“Excuse me, but who are you?” Thow asked.

“You can call me ‘Boss,’ little one,” the leader said, “because I have come to take over this establishment.”

“That’s not his real name,” one of the underlings said. “That’s his street name.”

“Shut up, Aaron,” Boss said.

“Why are you here?” Thow asked. “This is for students only.”

“I was a student here, once,” Boss said. “And because of it, I was dirt poor. This university sucked the money out of my pockets like it was a bat outta Hell. So now, now is my time to take my revenge.”

“How?” Thow asked, growing suddenly nervous. “What’s your plan?”

“My plan,” Boss said, “is to take this here caravan across the country to all the college casino nights, win all the prizes and sell them for more than they’re worth. See that Keurig over there? The retail price on that is $129.99. Even if I sell it for as little as $135, that’s still profit. Money in the bank. Easy. And then I’ll finally be able to live out my dream.”

“What’s your dream?” Thow asked, growing curious. 

“To move to a town called Valentine Up North.”

“But I’ve never heard of Valentine Up North.”

“It’s great,” Boss said. “The greatest town there ever was, until it was burned down by that anthracite mine explosion all those years ago.”

The crowd gasped at this shocking development. 

“Don’t worry, calm down everyone,” Boss said, gesturing with his hands to calm everyone. “I’ll restore it to its former glory. So, if you would allow me to play…” 

“But this is for students only,” Thow said, their voice barely above a whisper.

“I am a student.” With that, Boss pulled out a document from his backpack, showing that he had secretly been a student at the University for 35 years, plotting his revenge…

Excerpt From Boss’s Autobiography:

And so, with all the money I made from all of the casino nights I raided, I was able to restore Valentine to what it once was. Wow. It turns out, Keurig money can go a very long way.

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