Lewisburg has been quiet over this past summer break…too quiet. However, residents have been enjoying the peace and quiet as they no longer had to hear students’ absurd comments that would soon be posted on Overherd Bucknell instagram. But of course, as the school year begins, so does the traffic of noisy students. Except, this year has begun to be noisier and possibly psychologically disturbing to Lewisburg residents compared to previous years.

One distressed resident said, “I was just trying to enjoy my Judge Judy episode only to hear a sudden burst of screaming and moaning from this group of girls outside my window where they watch a video of some guy named Harry Styles?” This strange but current side effect of a disease the resident witnessed was the “white-men-doing-the-bare-minimum,” where girls across the world are having their minds blown over a white guy but in this case, it is Harry Styles’ mediocre yelling at the talented Florence Pugh in a “Don’t Worry Darling” sneak peek. No one knows the origins of this disease, but historians claim it dates back to 2019 when a white guy named John Smith was doing the dishes and a group of women saw him through the window in which they swooned over him. Ever since then when women started talking about Smith and other white men, the disease has been spreading rapidly. “After that, it has been constantly happening and I can’t hear my Judge Judy!” the resident said. 

Another resident has also been disturbed by students, “One day, I went for a stroll with my dog trying to enjoy the weather, only to be slowed down by this group of male students in front of me who were wearing suits, grunting around like lost dogs.” The resident unfortunately observed the adverse effects of the “am-I-funny?”-osis. Some experts believe it was started by a 16 year old boy who randomly moaned in class, but others think it began with a 19 year old guy drawing breasts on the white board. Multiple residents have also reported this perplexing effect of the disease, some saying they couldn’t sleep at night due to how loud the boys are, but even the Lewisburg doctors do not know how to treat this group of students.

Many may think that the students are acting like this to make it onto Yik Yak or it’s a part of rushing for a fraternity/sorority, but these are actual diseases with no cure. As these residents try to survive the sudden increase of rowdy, infected students, all they can do is hope that it does not get worse than this semester.