While cramming to finish my ALEKS precalculus course in the library last night, I received a peculiar email. “Congratulations, Hayley!” read the subject line, “You Won!” What did I win? Free laundry swipes? A bookstore gift card? I itched with anticipation as I opened the mystery message.

“To boost student morale, the Office of Financial Aid has decided to force five people to pay off one lucky winner’s student loan debt. We feel this would be much more efficient than lowering tuition costs for all students. Please select your five people and contact them accordingly.”

Well, here is my meticulously curated list:

1. Frankie Jonas

• Frankie Jonas is the severely underappreciated, tragically forgotten sibling of the Jonas brothers. Frankie is furious that Joe, Kevin and Nick have shaded him from the spotlight. When I ask him to pay my loans, he will surely dip into his siblings’ fortune as revenge. Stealing their money will help Frankie cope with the gnawing feeling of estrangement that he has felt all these years.

1. Bucky the Bison

• As the University’s beloved mascot, Bucky’s dedication to ensure his students’ happiness has no bounds. Rather than simply cheering at pep rallies, Bucky would like to help pay off my loans to put a smile on another student’s face. Bucky’s salary comes directly from the University, so it would be little effort to retrieve his funds. Using Bucky’s money would also benefit the environment. Reduce, reuse, and recycle the University’s money rather than sourcing elsewhere to eliminate carbon emissions and eradicate global warming. 

1. The FBI agent who watches me through my computer camera

• My FBI agent and I spend many nights together binge-watching Netflix shows. I feel a special bond between us, but this has exceeded financial boundaries. After all our time together, he has yet to pay me one penny towards our Netflix subscription! The only way for him to refund me for the $10/month that I have spent on our subscription is to contribute thousands of dollars towards my student debt. 

1. Vincent van Gogh

• As a painter, Van Gogh has a deep appreciation for the arts, especially the liberal arts. Van Gogh van knows how expensive college is, so he granted me permission to auction off “The Starry Night” and keep the profits. Did he agree to these conditions while standing to my right? Maybe. Nobody needs to know that he severed his left ear and didn’t hear any part of our conversation.

1. Dory from “Finding Nemo”

• Dory’s checkbook must be soaked underwater! No worries, I’ve already contacted Wells Fishgo, and they’ll electronically transfer the sand dollars right into your account. Dory is afflicted with short-term memory loss. So, when I implore her for money, she will continuously comply since she won’t remember paying in the first place! Is it cruel to exploit Dory like this? Perhaps, but I feel it is permissible since the “Finding Nemo” films have earned her plenty of money to spare.