Last Thursday, the University’s CAP Center held their annual Bingo Blingo event on Sojka Lawn. How could a game popular amongst senior citizens possibly entertain college students? The answer is simple: bribery. 

The CAP Center lured attendees by promising that lucky winners would win prizes including a 32-inch TV, a JBL speaker and a pristine Keurig machine. Since most people are too lazy to walk to Amami each day for their iced caramel lattes, the last prize was sure to guarantee a big attendance.

Students eagerly filled the lawn as cards were distributed, their high aspirations nearly palpable as they shook with excitement. 

By the end of the first round, this excitement had shifted to infuriation. The CAP Center representative announcing numbers turned towards a student in the back of the lawn who was frantically waving his hands.

“We have our first winner!” he announced into the microphone. 

Everybody was bewildered that somebody had already won. Of course, I was wondering this too, since I was there and staring at my own entirely blank card. After all, you need at least five tokens to complete a row. Although I was relatively certain that only three numbers had been called, I decided to brush off the loss with hopes of a future victory.

As the games progressed, however, this trend continued. A winner was always announced after only three numbers! I was not the only person becoming suspicious. Students rose from their chairs to observe the winning cards and made a ghastly discovery: the winning cards were rigged! Rather than standard five-row cards, these cards only had three rows of letters.

My caffeine-deficient blood was boiling; somebody needed to pay the price for this devastating breach of the official Bingo guidelines (which everyone agreed to the terms of prior to the event via official contracts). These guidelines clearly stated that only cards with five rows could be used in official gameplay.

Lawn chairs soared through the air as outraged students flung them in protest. Another group had stormed the prize table, snagged the tv, and repeatedly smashed their fists into the plasma screen until broken shards sliced their skin. The shrieks of outrage and horror exceeded the maximum volume of the JBL speaker, which a junior ran over with his motorcycle amidst the madness.

Blake Smith, member of the class of 2025, said, “The last I can remember is hearing O-75 called out. The next thing I knew, I was on the floor with a lawn chair on top of me and a broken leg.” 

Blake was one of many injured during this catastrophic event. Due to the sudden influx of students swarming Student Health, the University desperately employed the help of biochemistry majors to diagnose all those who requested emergency consultations. 

Did you miss out on last week’s fun? No worries! Join the CAP Center next Friday for “Bingo Blingo: Platinum Edition” for a chance to win the demolished remnants of the prizes they reclaimed from the dumpsters.