ROTC Cadets Caught Off-Guard by Local Squirrel Population in Surprise Attack, Chaos Ensues.

Aaron Chin, Senior Writer

It is no secret that the ROTC students here at the University continually put in a lot of hard work. They are constantly putting in endless hours of training, practice and exercise, on top of getting work done for their classes. Our ROTC students deserve the utmost respect for the work and dedication that they put into everything they do. 

It is also no secret that the squirrel population here on campus is surprising. According to science, there are approximately two hundred million squirrels in the entire world today, and 43% of the world’s squirrel population resides here on our campus. It seems that the squirrels here are everywhere, from the library to the academics, and even inside the library. The squirrels have truly made this place their home, which has led to some contact with the ROTC students.

One night last week during training, the ROTC students were holding a fake stake-out on the football field in which the students stayed up throughout the night conducting drills. Several of these drills involved self-defense techniques. The drills were intense, and the students worked so hard that even the slightest movement would set off their alarms. 

At approximately 11:56 p.m., a flying squirrel descended from an overhead branch, landing on a student’s shoulder. The student quickly shooed the squirrel away, but turned around to find sixteen more flying squirrels descending from the sky. The student yelled for help, and several other students came to their assistance. However, the more students that arrived, the more squirrels that descended from the trees.

For every student that came, eighteen more squirrels came as well, quickly outmatching the students. The squirrels each leaped onto the students, sending them all into a wild panic.

But the squirrels were confused. Apparently, there is a scientific phenomenon called Human Acornopolis which posits that squirrels frequently believe that humans are just giant acorns. Several students ran in panic, yelling for the squirrels to get away from them.

The squirrels then leaped off the students, scurrying away into the night to find actual acorns to eat. The students then calmly resumed their night training being ever vigilant of the squirrels.

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