It’s no secret that the University’s newspaper is top of the line. With an immense amount of columns and sections, there is really no topic that the newspaper doesn’t cover, and all of the news in the paper is entirely accurate… almost.

The satire section of the newspaper has always been top notch at concocting crazy stories with outrageous pieces of fake news. However, there has been an interesting phenomenon this year in which many of the students on campus have taken the “news” in the satire section to be 100 percent true.

For example, last week one writer claimed that all of the professors on campus are going to make all of the essays due on the same day. Many students were alarmed by this. The library was crowded with overstressed students, and the 24 hour study room was filled with people trying to get their last-minute essays done. We reached out to some students to see why they were spending so much time in the library.

“I have a 16 page essay, a 20 page essay and a 10 page essay all due on Friday, the day we go on break,” one student said. 

When we told these students that any news the satire section publishes is fake, it did not go over well, and some students complained. Some complaints included:

“So, I just wasted all my time on these essays for nothing?” 

“The cafeteria isn’t having any new dining celebrations?” 

“Swae Lee doesn’t have a portal that transports him to alternate dimensions?”

However, some students were actually happy about the news, claiming that they were happy that the new Covid-19 test station wasn’t looted, that no flying squirrels attacked the ROTC kids and the Bucknell Farm didn’t secede from campus.

We will try our best as a Satire Section to be upfront about the news that we report and communicate very clearly that everything we say is a lie. 

So the next time we tell you that parents are applying to Bucknell after family weekend, just be relieved that there is actually no possibility that you have to go to college with your embarrassing father.

But of course I might have been lying then, too.