Oh no! Junior MechE Tess Toob forgot to print her orgo homework! No worries, she could just print at the ELC printer on her way to class.

This relief was short-lived because when she scanned her BUID at the printer, the screen read, “E: Remove Jammed Paper.” Toob followed along with the printer’s unnecessarily confusing video instructions and pushed every button and lever that it suggested.

To her dismay, the printer still wouldn’t function. She kicked the wretched technology out of utter disgust. 

When she knelt to see if she damaged the printer, she was shocked to discover that it had sprouted a pair of legs! These retractable aluminum rods came equipped with two wheels on each end.

Toob tried to escape her monstrous creation, but her efforts were futile. When leaving the ELC, she realized that the printer was following right behind her! Little did Toob know, she had initiated a printer apocalypse.

The concept of the Follow-Me Printers is simple; your work electronically “follows” you to any Follow-Me Printer on campus as long as you upload your file to MyPrint. What students didn’t recognize, however, is that these printers stored their personal information. The printers copied every paper for their own files and scanned them for any identifying details. 

In addition, they memorized every students’ schedule based on which classes their printed assignments were for and what buildings they were printed in. This feature allowed the printers to take their “Follow-Me” promise a little too seriously as they waited for students outside of each of their classes.

Bucknellians now scramble to escape the stampede of angry machinery that wheels around academic buildings.

Linguistics major Alf Abett ’24 reported, “I was leaving Ac West yesterday and a printer was waiting for me outside – I can’t escape. It called my name, I swear.”

Abett shared that he will be leaving for Thanksgiving break early because of how spooked he is about the whole situation.

When The Bucknellian reached out to Library & IT Services for a statement, they admitted to arming the Follow-Me printers with leg-sprouting capabilities. They coded the legs to release when excess force was applied to the printers’ exteriors. 

This, they explained, would serve as a punishment against students who violated Bertrand’s quiet policies. The embarrassed L&IT department added that they neglected to create a function that would return the printers to their original forms sans legs.

Students have since triggered all 43 Follow-Me Printers after furiously smacking them when they didn’t work properly, unaware of the brutal consequences. Be careful leaving your dorm tonight, because there might just be a scheming printer waiting for you right outside your door.