This past week, several students were seen chopping down one of the trees in front of the downhill entrance to the ELC. They were seen using plastic knives to saw the 15-foot-tree down, and were reportedly blasting Mariah Carey and Bing Crosby in order to motivate themselves to get into holiday spirit. 

The culprits were none other than a vast majority of the demographic deemed “frat boys,” which Public Safety determined after identifying the students’ “insane rizz” and sweatpants tucked into socks. 

After successfully removing the aforementioned tree from the ground, the roughly 100 students involved in the scandal dragged the tree through the doors of the ELC, which posed some significant damage to both the tree and the doors; most of the branches were left outside of the building, as they were unable to fit through the door. The tree weighed roughly 810 pounds, equating to roughly 81 pounds per “frat boy,” making it a difficult task for the students to both hold the first set of doors open and transport the tree inside. They also experienced problems upon reaching the second set of doors, as evidenced by the several thousand pine needles that littered the lobby. 

Finally, law enforcement estimates that it took the students several hours to prop the tree upwards near the Bison Fresh kiosk, where they wedged the tree into the ceiling tiles in an effort to keep it upright. The tree was also mostly bare due to the damage sustained from the altercation with the doorways upon entering the building. Upon completion of the task, the students realized that the door entering directly into the Bison Fresh area would have been a much simpler task and a more efficient method of entry. 

The boys were also kind enough to decorate the tree with paper straw wrappers for tinsel, and topped it with an Xbox controller from the ELC lounge, which served as the angel. This was what tipped off Public Safety as to who may have been responsible; the metaphor is striking. Someone may have become slightly confused during the ordeal, because a lone pair of Timberlands were left underneath the tree as well, and Public Safety has determined that it was likely the result of severe alcohol abuse and impairment, not due to any kind of charitable intent. 

As usual, janitors, staff and Bison workers came to the rescue to fix the tree both in decorations and alignment, as well as successfully removed the several thousand pine needles from the lobby.

“Thank you to the staff for helping to make the Bison festive as f— this year, we appreciate everything you do for us,” Geoffrey Geoffreys ’24 said.