Last Friday, the CAP Center held their first ever Mini Night, featuring a nine-hole indoor mini golf course that spread across the first floor of the ELC. This was no conventional mini golf course; in order to keep with the mini theme, everything that the students saw, touched and even tasted had to have some sort of miniature aspect to it.

Firstly, there were no standard golf clubs in sight since students were only allowed to hit their golf balls using the flimsy paper straws from Bostwick’s smoothie bar. This prompted a younger demographic of participants composed of mostly first years with unlimited meal swipes.

Bucknell knows that there are only two things that will guarantee students show up to an event: free food and alcohol. Since Bucknell doesn’t condone drinking and golfing, complimentary snacks were provided instead. These snacks were obviously all bite-sized to further promote the “mini-mindset.” Hole four’s end was marked by a table with trays of baby carrots, and stationed next to the seventh hole was a mouthwatering display of Gerber’s baby food.

The most challenging hole was the ninth and final hole. To sink this putt, students were to stand inside Brent Papson’s office in the CAP Center. From there, they had to hit their ball at just the right launch angle and velocity so that it ricocheted off the printer and into an open mailbox. The ball could then only be retrieved once ordering a package, waiting for it to be shipped to Bucknell and scanning the QR code to open the corresponding locker.

Congratulations! You completed the mini course! To celebrate their achievement, these accomplished students were awarded with exclusive Seventh Street milkshakes. Although elated by their success, students who finished the course and drank their victory shakes felt a bit strange. As it turned out, these milkshakes turned the students mini!

Students shrank down until they became thinner than Bucknell’s point-five ply toilet paper. Those who became condensed have quickly adapted to their new small-scale lifestyles, using their tiny figures to sneak around campus to commit nonviolent crimes on a microscopic scale.

Minn E. Mowes ’24 shared with Bucknellian reporters a thrilling tale of sliding under locked classroom doors after hours to steal copies of her upcoming sociology exam.

MECO major Diffy Cue used her newly compacted physique to hide underneath a pile of frackets outside a frat party, successfully evading PSafe’s breathalyzer.

Possibly the most creative student who utilized their shrinkage was computer science connoisseur Reggie Straur. Straur is now too small to activate the camera’s motion sensors, and so they never recorded him hacking the registrar’s computer system to award himself A’s in all of his classes.

Our campus is now in a state of utter turmoil. Tiny students have infested the halls, multiplying faster than the black mold in our dorms. If you step on a tiny student, please report it to PSafe immediately so they can add the casualty to the campus crime and fire safety log accordingly.