Freshman guys have it rough at Bucknell. While girls get to party downtown three nights a week, a frosh boy can only get into a frat if they bartend for the evening. Despite their unfortunate odds, freshman boys walk their female counterparts to the frats each weekend with hopes of being admitted if they bring “ratio.” Their efforts prove fruitless time and time again.

That’s when freshman Samir Knopf had a groundbreaking idea: he would employ the help of his older brother, Spiji VP known as “The Kegster,” to get into the frats. The Kegster and his little bro have a special bond that has only become stronger since they’ve attended the same college. The Kegster understands the plight of freshman year, and was eager to help his brother join him in fraternal glory. 

As VP, The Kegster plans all of Spiji’s party themes. He had yet to decide this weekend’s theme. Spe had already taken the USA theme, and Sig Neon had drained Party City of their entire fluorescent paint supply. What theme could The Kegster propose that would prove distracting enough to sneak his brother inside? That’s when the idea struck him: frat masquerade party! The party would be dubbed “Fratsquerade.”

The idea was flawless! If all the Spiji members had to wear masks, none of them would know if a masked brother was actually just a measly frosh. The Kegster announced the theme in the Spiji GroupMe, and flyers were posted on the pledges’ Snapchat stories. Fratsquerade was the talk of the campus once Friday rolled around. 

“I can’t wait to go to Fratsquerade,” Tina Colada ’25 said. “If I’m wearing a mask, I’ll def hook up with someone way out of my league.”

The Kegster’s plan was executed to perfection. Well, at least until Samir’s friends learned of his whereabouts. Samir put on his Shrek mask and entered Spiji without any issues. However, he made a rookie mistake; he forgot to turn off his Snap Maps. Soon, all of the freshman boys knew that Samir was at Fratsquerade. 

“If Samir can get in,” Nick O’Teen ’26 stated, “then we can too!”

Within minutes, all of the desperate freshman boys covered their faces with whatever materials they could find and stormed Spiji’s house. O’Teen led the stampede, his identity concealed by a recycling bin with eye holes.

The boy:girl ratio had never been so disproportionate in Spiji, with eight boys for every one girl. The Kegster glanced through his Darth Vader helmet in utter disbelief at what he created. He wasn’t too mad though, because he saw Samir and Tina making out on the platform.

Due to all the extra partygoers, Spiji was louder than the garbage trucks outside dorms at 8 a.m. each Saturday. Naturally, townies weren’t having it. They filed noise complaints, PSafe swarmed the streets, and “Closing Time” blared from the speakers. Fratsquerade had come to a close.