Uptown’s Science and Mocktails event leads to explosive aftermath

Aaron Chin, Satire Co-Editor

The science department here at Bucknell is truly top-notch. We have a tight-knit STEM community that strives to put on events to show their love for the sciences however they can.

This past weekend, there was one such event: a science and mocktails event at Uptown. At the event, STEM students and professors got together to make mocktails, and the professors even spoke about some of the science behind the drinks.

Many students raved about the mocktails served at the event. Morton Gambsey ’25 said, “I simply loved all of it; the flavor, the texture, it all came together so well.”

A fan favorite was called the “Methtail,” which a student named Messy Drinkman ’23 made.

“That drink was explosive,” Gambsey said. “And I mean that in every sense of the word.”

“Explosive” was an understatement. Quickly after the students enjoyed Drinkman’s Methtail, several students spotted a fire by the bar. Then the drink dispensers exploded, drenching Drinkman and the other bartenders. Unfortunately, this meant that the event had to end early, but luckily no one was hurt.

On Monday, President John Cocktail Bravman held a press conference addressing the issue. He said, “Our funds are tight right now. If we can’t get the money to improve Uptown’s maintenance within the next decade, I’m afraid that Uptown will have to be closed for good.”

This news has shocked the campus-wide community on campus, as drink dispensers can cost as much as a couple hundred dollars. That means that Bucknell University would have to invest a whole $50 if they wanted a new drink dispenser within the next 10 years. Naturally, President Bravman also said that tuition will be raised by $20,000 per year.

There have been several student-led campus initiatives to improve the maintenance of Uptown. One initiative has been the “S.O.B Fund.” S.O.B, of course, stands for “Save Our Bartenders.”

The S.O.B Fund has put in tireless work in its efforts to save Uptown. With its current total of five cents raised in the past seven days, the Fund is on track to raise 50 cents for the entire rest of the year.

“At this rate, we should be able to get to $50 within a decade,” said Sam Oliver Boldman ’24, the founder of the S.O.B Fund.

“We also call our employees S.O.Bs,” Boldman said. “In this case, it stands for ‘Saviors Of the Bartenders.’ We do this to remind our employees that they really are doing something good.”

If you’re worried about Uptown, there’s no need to worry; the S.O.Bs have your back!

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