Duo Push has officially pushed too hard. In an effort to increase security and privacy for Bucknellians, the app has added three factors to the original two-factor authentication, making a total of five tribulations before anyone can access their Bucknell information. Hearing this, many Bucknellians rejoiced. Their pleasure was short-lived, however, as the three new factors are somewhat Sisyphean. 

I had an important paper due at midnight this past Monday. Fortunately, I finished it 12 hours early. I opened my trusty Mac laptop to submit the assignment on Moodle, but after supplying the usual password and “push notification,” I was sent to a game of Mario Kart. Confused, I tried to reload the link to no avail: I was trapped with Mario. Laughing excitedly, the small mustachioed man hopped into his race car and gestured for me to hop into mine. I obeyed the Italian stallion, and suddenly numbers were hovering in the air and my car was in hot pursuit of the miniature maniac, who threw several banana peels at me. My years of gaming experience kicked in, and I maneuvered around the peels with ease. Neck-and-neck now, we hurtled down the final straightaway. I threw every fiber of my being into the task and edged an inch ahead of Mario just as we crossed the finish line. 

I had won the battle, but not the war. One second after my victory, my computer speakers announced in the voice of Gandalf the Grey from Lord of the Rings: “To prove your identity, you must submit a hard copy of a picture of yourself with your mother and father, and a card showing today’s date, at the Duo headquarters in Norfork, Arkansas.” 

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing! It would take a three-hour drive to get to my parents, who live in New York City, and the flight from there to Norfork would take even longer. I realized I was pressed for time and hit the road immediately. Now I was in a real car, my friend Seth’s beat-up manual-transmission Jeep. My parents were surprised to see me at four o’clock on a Monday, but they agreed to be in the picture. I then rushed to JFK where, surprisingly, the first-ever direct flight to Norfork, Ark. was boarding. 

Unfortunately, just after takeoff I hit my satire word limit and the plane froze in midair, so we’ll never learn what the fifth authentication is or why Duo put their headquarters in Norfork, Ark.