It has come to my attention that LinkedIn has replaced Tinder as the most popular dating app among Bucknell students. It turns out that Bucknellians don’t care if you have six-pack abs, a boat that’s not yours in the background of your profile picture or even if you’ve caught a fish. Instead, Bucknell’s students just care about who you know. Rather than asking how tall you are, the first questions people want answered are: “How many connections do you have?” and “Do you have a summer internship lined up?”

Any girl can wear heels, and any guy can put lifts in his shoes, but not many people can have a summer analyst position lined up with Goldman Sachs. We don’t care if you have a beautiful smile; we care if you have 500+ connections! We want access to your network, not to your bougie Jeep that’s never left a paved road.

I recently overheard a conversation between two girls at the Bison that went something like this:

“Oh. My. Gosh. Did you hear that Jack made the dean’s list?”

“Yeah, I saw his LinkedIn post. It was so well-articulated and professional! He’s definitely getting invited to the crush party.”

As of late, many Bucknellians have been leaving notes when they connect with someone on the popular networking app. These spicy notes have quickly replaced the classic swiping right and “superliking” on Tinder, as they have proven to be much more flattering.

Moreover, the language used on LinkedIn is scintillating and romantic. Rather than receiving a “wyd” message, you’ll get thoughtful messages that start with “Greetings,” and end with “Wishing you great success in all your ambitions!”

I’ll leave you all with a pro tip: a sure-fire way to let someone know that you’re interested in them is to leave a comment on their LinkedIn post. Is Sarah happy to announce that she’s accepted a full-time role at L’Oréal? Did Michael just proclaim that he’s “starting a new role as the head of Drive-Thru operations at the Selinsgrove McDonalds?” Well, if he did, applaud him! Just comment: “Congratulations! Well deserved.” Works every time.