Bucknell hosted its annual “Meet the Greeks” event this past Sunday. This hectic event featured tentative and scared freshmen crowded into Larison dining. Their goal was to catch a glimpse of their future by looking into the depraved eyes of the current frat bros and sorority gals.

In a post-game interview, one terrified freshman described the event as “sad and awkward…but more so confusing because just when I was about to make my gnarly escape through a window, Aristotle, Socrates and Plato crashed into the room from the main dining room door.”

Dressed in pristine white robes, they eloquently descended while the song An Eisai Ena Asteri played mysteriously in the background from an unknown speaker. Immediately, a junior in Chi Phi turned to his Greek brother from another mother and asked, “I thought the Greek-themed mixer was Tuesday night..?” 

His frat bro turned to him and responded, “Nah bro, I think these guys are the real deal.”

And oh boy, were the brothers from Chi Phi right. 

Standing in the middle of Larison Dining, Plato began a Platonic dialogue during which he asked the brothers and sisters of Alpha dog K-9 Chi, “Do we really have free will? How about knowledge–what do we know? What is death? What gives us meaning?”

Soon, Larison Dining became even more silent than classrooms when professors asked students to answer a question.

After looking inquisitively at the ground for several long moments, one Fiji frat bro stood up and spoke.

“Easy. One: yes to free will,” he said. “Two: I know your mom. Three: death is like when milk expires–except it’s a person. Four: getting girls.”

The entire hall erupted in applause from frat bros and sorority sisters alike. The words from this Fijian had resonated so deeply with their souls that they began to levitate off the ground. Once the applause had died down and dirty white air forces had reconnected with the earth, Aristotle, Plato and Socrates collected their thoughts.

Ultimately, the three ancient Greek philosophers were so disappointed in what had become of “man” that they interlocked their arms and rejoined the eternal universe.