Last week, President Bravman was casually scrolling through YikYak as he does every morning. However, his scrolling was interrupted by an ear-piercing screech that filled the air. The noise was emitted from his washing machine, and the water spraying all over his laundry room reminded him that the machine was broken.

With his hamper in hand, Bravman took advantage of the warm spring morning and embarked on his walk to the Vedder washing machines. “What’s the worst that can happen?” Bravman thought. Little did he know, the horrors of first-year laundry would soon force him to eat his words.

Strolling down the halls of Vedder for the first time, it was as if he was walking into the dark depths of a dungeon. Before he even opened the door, Bravman was swept off his feet by the blazing warmth of the laundry room. 

The next shock was the horrid smell. He couldn’t help but gag as the putrid scent of burning lint filled his nose.

After stepping over a pair of wet underwear and narrowly avoiding a nasty spill on the tiled floor, Bravman began the search for an open washing machine. With most machines in use, the room sounded like a bustling train station.

Alas, the only open washing machine caught Bravman’s eye. He could barely contain his glee. 

He poured in the detergent. He swiped his President’s ID (even though he has unlimited funds). He selected the “quick wash” setting. Then he waited. And waited. And waited. 

But instead of water filling the machine, a blinking yellow light labeled “error” ran across the screen. The machine was broken.

Steam shot out of President Bravman’s ears and he stormed out of the room. He didn’t even bother to take his clothes out of the washing machine. He arrived back at his house, opened his computer and began furiously typing.

Within minutes, every student across Bucknell received an email from President Bravman. The email outlined a detailed plan to demolish the laundry rooms in every first-year dorm. An entire floor would be added to each dorm, with 30 different washing machines and dryers in each of the 10 laundry rooms per floor.

Surprisingly, President Bravman concluded the email with a promise that the tuition would not increase, although the project would cost over $10,000,000. Rather, he promised to lower the tuition by $5,000, to accommodate for all of the painful experiences first-years faced with laundry.

Who knows what kind of other changes can be made to Bucknell if President Bravman were in our shoes for a day? Though this question will forever go unanswered, the laundry incident of March 31, 2023, will certainly go down in Bucknell’s history.