Every night I’m kept awake by my hall-mates, who never fail to produce an incessant barrage of noises. I don’t need to tell you that dorm walls are as thin as your dad’s hair, but sometimes things get so loud that I’m unsure if the noises even came from human beings. For the sake of my sanity and my fellow dorm livers across campus, I decided to put on my detective hat and figure out what all the hubbub was about. Here are the three most common noisy things people are doing in their dorms at night and some solutions for you if you’re wanting to get to bed.

1. Crying

This one seemed obvious to me until I figured out what everyone was crying about. Rather than being overwhelmed with the amount of work they have, students are upset when they finish it. Orgo students haven’t ben‘seen’ enough. People in Management 101 don’t know how to manage their free time. English majors’ fingers miss their keyboards. Solution: Hey Professors! Give your students what they want! The reading is only ten pages long? Make it twenty! The homework is only fifteen questions? Make it thirty! The eight-page paper is due in a week? Make it a ten-page paper due in three days!

2. Scooter Racing

Folks, the electric scooter phenomenon has infiltrated the indoors. I’ve not yet converted to transportation by way of scooter – I prefer the archaic artform of walking to take me from class to class, but I have to say, inside scooter races seem to be quite the thrill for dorm livers these days. Most halls can only fit two people across and they only get up to about five miles an hour until they have to stop at the end, but these races have been garnering quite the crowd. Solution: I’m not advocating for thievery, but I don’t think it would be a bad thing if scooter batteries and chargers started to go missing. An electric scooter with a dead or missing battery is a glorified Razor scooter and watching people scoot around like they’re seven years old again would be rather lame. And on the practical side of things, there’s now use for all the extra banana peels and turtle shells I know we all have laying around.

3. Operating an 1860s Era Printing Press

I was shocked to find out that people were able to find and afford an antique printing press. But I have to say, it’s a pretty good idea. Using a printing press can be laborious, but I was reassured that it’s the fastest way to print things on campus. To be sure, I timed it. Setting the typeface, making a stereotype plate, inking and sending the spool of paper through the machine took less time than waiting for one of the Follow-Me printers to work after scanning my ID. I can’t say I’m surprised. Solution: The simple answer would be to get reliable printers. I don’t know if this will be fixed though, so if you want something printed on time for class, I guess you’ll have to invest in some earplugs.