It’s that time of year again, Bucknellians – admissions season. While we obviously all love Bucknell and do not regret our decision to come here at all, high school seniors are still trying to figure out where they want to go for college. To try and brainwash students from rich white families into giving the school $80,000 a year in tuition – I mean, to attract a diverse and eclectic group of students from all over the world – Bucknell has been offering countless admissions tours recently. 

These tours are designed to show off the best that Bucknell has to offer. From hyping up very questionable food and limited dining options from the Bostwick Marketplace, to showing off a library that has the most fluorescent lighting on the planet, these tours are definitely geared toward oblivious incoming students. However, this means that current student needs are going by the wayside, which is something that never happens at Bucknell.

One common student complaint has been that the influx of tour groups has created such an immense traffic flow throughout campus that current students cannot navigate to their classes quickly enough. 

“It’s so annoying that professors are marking me late, even though it’s not my fault,” geography major Clue Less said.

Through numerous student-run campaigns and protests, the issue made its way all the way up to President Bravman. In a press conference last week, President Bravman addressed the problem head-on, laying out his plan to solve the issue.

“I’m implementing what I call a ‘funnel strategy’ this year,” Bravman told reporters who traveled as far as three miles on their state-of-the-art horses and buggies. “We’re gonna over-admit students again, which means that we have to go pedal to the metal with these admissions tours. Then, my plan with the extra tuition money is to build an on-campus monorail system that will take students and transport them to their classes. We’ve asked freshman economics classes to look over our current budget analysis for the new system,” Bravman said. “At our current rate, we need to raise $3 billion dollars within the next eight months to meet our current fundraising goal, most of which will come from tuition.”

At this point, Bravman unveiled some concept art of the new monorail system. However, the picture just showed the People Mover attraction at Disney World, as several sources were able to identify Cinderella’s Castle in the background using forensic DNA technology.

Unfortunately, the new system means yet another tuition increase. To raise funds, Bravman also said that student organization dual accounts will now be abolished and that all club fundraising efforts will go to the Bucknell People Mover, which should arrive in late Spring 2036.

So students, we no longer need to be worried about being late to class ever again – President Bravman has our backs!