“ATTENTION BUCKNELLIANS,

This is a Public Service Announcement notifying all current students, faculty and staff members that Bucknell has officially entered a lockdown. Students are not to leave their dorm rooms except to go to their building’s frong door toretrieve their DoorDash orders, until further notice. Should students need to relieve themselves, they are to utilize their roommate’s garbage can as a makeshift waste receptacle. Thank you.

Yours truly,

Antoine E. Smorgin”

This past Saturday, Bucknellians awoke from their drunken weekend slumbers and discovered this letter taped to their doors. Why was there a lockdown? Had the squirrels multiplied to the point where it was no longer safe to walk to class without being attacked? Students opened YikYak to find out.

PSafe officers leaked that students were forced to remain in their rooms while a criminal investigation took place on campus. As Smorgin himself explained, “Yung Gravy is under investigation regarding 23 kidnappings that occurred on campus last night. Until we find him and his DJ follower, it is not safe to wander about.”

As it turns out, 53 women between the ages of 35 and 60 have been reported missing from their Lewisburg homes since the concert last weekend. To avoid DDing from the bars all night, PSafe officers joined forces with Union county deputies to crack this case. PSafe offered Yung Gravy and Flo Rida’s names as potential suspects since the two of them were spotted at Amami looking suspicious that morning. Flo Rida was eliminated as a potential suspect, officers claiming that his aura just gave them a good feeling that they never, never, never, never had before. On the other hand, Yung Gravy’s inspiring performance suggested that he may be less innocent than we previously believed.

All who attended the concert witnessed Gravy scheme his diabolical plan long before any mothers were displaced. During his song entitled “Cheryl,” Gravy articulates clear motives that indicate he is the mastermind behind the abductions. There have also been reports of women being kidnapped who don’t live near Bucknell. Why, then, would Gravy be a suspect? Upon further examination, the police realized that 78% of women’s kidnappings from the previously mentioned age group were mothers of current Bucknell students!

If only Gravy had signed up for BucknellMatchmaking, he could have been in a happy, healthy relationship with someone more appropriately aged rather than abducting multiple potential love interests for himself, and abducting our mothers. Until Gravy is located and detained, stay safe out there, Bucknellians.