My alarm blared, playing the theme music to “Caddyshack,” but unlike the lyrics implied, I was not alright. I got off the tile floor, fully clothed from the night before, and drank my usual Celsius. The investigation started, and I knew it was going to test my sanity in a way that only a first-year Dorm RA could relate to.

I was informed through Bucknell’s most reliable source, YikYak, that Bucky the Bison had been taking trips to Washington DC to “Support the Wizards.” This was alarming, as no sane mammal goes to a Wizards game to see the Wizards play. This could only mean one thing: Bucky is going to DC to go to shadow government meetings. He has also received several large donations of caf swipes from mystery donors with messages written in code but that is probably a coincidence.

I investigated where Bucky grew up, in the subherds. Although many refused an interview, I was able to schedule one with his college roommate, Clucky the Chicken. However, I was too late. I was informed that he had been in an “accident,” and  his body will be baked into Nashville Hot Chicken on Friday. I was distraught upon hearing the news, but I also couldn’t help but be excited about Friday’s lunch.

All other sources lead to similar dead ends, which left me no choice as a Bucknellian reporter but to take the bison by its horns. I was able to get into Bucky’s locker room after bribing an employee with a ticket to the next TSwift concert.

I opened the locker and found caf swipe cards for multiple different colleges as well as government office ID cards and even keys to one of Jack Nicholson’s “You can’t handle the heat” summer houses. I also found a document marked “How to destabilize the dining dollar market” as well as a large folder named “Work Stuff.”

Under these documents were the Oscar results for the next 10 years, and sadly they are all hosted by Jimmy Kimmel. There was a book called “Plants on Campus” which I could only assume reveals the names of shadow government spies on campus, so keep an eye out for any spies named Rose, Sage or Cabbage. There were also documents on politicians such as Chris Christie’s  “All You Can Eat” swimsuit calendar.

I almost left, believing I had enough evidence, before I saw something extremely valuable: the Bucknell_Guest password list. I thought the list was merely a myth, a fairytale told to freshmen by their OA. With this list some could watch sports without lag, play online games seamlessly, and perhaps run a shadow government. Before I could snatch the codes, I heard people coming so I aborted the mission. I later asked Bucky multiple times for a comment on my findings, but he is either pushing me off or is busier than Nick Cannon on Father’s Day.