Housing crisis solved by Bucknell West’s new 8 beds

Aaron Chin, Satire Co-Editor

It’s no secret that the housing crisis on campus is severe. With many students scrambling to find housing each year, the University has worked to find some creative, innovative solutions to this devastating problem. Chief among these solutions is the addition of a whole new eight beds to Bucknell West.

One student was particularly relieved to hear that the housing problem had been solved. Sophomore Holm Less accidentally missed his housing selection time since he slept through his 8:00 a.m., 8:05, 8:10, 8:15, 8:20, 8:25, and 8:30 alarms until he finally decided to get out of bed. To his dismay, he saw that literally all of the housing options were taken, and he had to add himself to the waitlist on myHome when he got this message:

“Thank you for submitting your waitlist preferences. The Housing staff will work through requests in timeslot order throughout the summer, and we will reach out at some point. We don’t know when. Maybe in July? Hopefully. We can’t make any promises. Anyways, HAGS and TTYL!”

“It was so frustrating,” said Holm. “How am I expected to get up in the morning for housing selection when I can’t even get up for class?”

We spoke with a housing representative, Matt Ress, to get to the bottom of the issue and to see if housing was doing anything at all to solve this problem.

“We took a look at the problem and decided to undergo an entire infrastructural change by adding these new beds,” said Ress. “We’re proud of our new accomplishment here in housing. I even tested out all of the new beds myself to ensure they meet our standards.”

All of the beds went through a thorough, scientific testing process to see if they were up to these standards. Testing procedures included a comfort test in which Ress slept in each bed for 48 hours straight, a structural integrity test in which Ress and his team attempted to stack all of the mattresses on top of each other like a giant Jenga set, and a size test where Ress crammed all eight beds into the men’s bathroom to see if they could fit since there was no room to put them anywhere else. The beds passed all tests with flying colors.

“I actually love sleeping in the bathroom,” said Holm. “The soothing sound of the faucet, combined with the aromatic smell of poop on the wall puts me to sleep right away!”

This might be an unconventional sleeping arrangement, sure, but let’s not be quick to judge and hope that this solution is here to stay.

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