To The Bucknellian Satire Editors,

I hope that this letter finds you well. As the year comes to a close, I always like to take the time to reflect on the various student organizations and what they have accomplished. While reading through “The Bucknellian,” I have found many instances where I feel I have been inaccurately portrayed, specifically in the satire column. While I know that satire should be fun, my fragile ego cannot take the amount of criticism I have been subjected to. It has gone too far, and this needs to stop.

My issues with “The Bucknellian” started with an April 1, 2022 article called “Bravman Begins,” in which a contributing writer presents evidence that I am the fabled “Batman.” This is an outright lie. I only said “I am vengeance” when quoting Robert Pattinson, my celebrity crush, and threw a smoke bomb when federal government workers threatened to evict me from my home.

Furthermore, my portrayal in the October 2022 article, “President Bravman-lookalike contest shut down after Bravman himself gets second place,” is completely inaccurate. While I was, of course, very unhappy about my second-place finish, I maturely took my loss to heart. After shutting down the contest, I told the Board of Trustees that they could still hold the contest annually, although I did issue a fine to the mysterious “Ron D. Schwabban” for three million dollars due to identity theft. As the intellectual Dwight Schrute says, “Identity theft is not a joke… millions of families suffer every year.”

Yet more falsehood lies in the April 2023 article, “Students blame their lateness on the influx of tour groups — acceptable excuse?” While I admit that our class size per year has been leading to more tour groups than this campus has ever seen, I will not be implementing a monorail system to get people from class to class. That’s ludicrous, and everyone knows it; I can’t even fathom where this writer got his “information” from, because it clearly wasn’t from me. Instead, I revealed at a press conference last month that we will be hiring pilots to fly students between classes in their own private jets with a huge picture of my face painted on the exterior – a much more sensible, cost-effective strategy.

The latter two articles that I mentioned were not only entirely false but they were also written by you, the satire editors. Since you are the editors, I cannot believe that you would let such incorrect blasphemy make its way into your articles. As a result of these persistent mischaracterizations, I am officially calling on the satire editors to stop making fun of me in any future articles. 

Sincerely,

President John C. Bravman