I’m sure most of us here know somebody afflicted with the terrible curse of poor eyesight. Truly, those poor folks only know the world as this fuzzy, smeared image, with no true detail. Sometimes they can squish their vision back into place, but that moment of vision is not even comparable to what another could see without assistance of any sort.

…or at least, so I’ve heard. I’ve worn glasses since I was nine, as I couldn’t see the board when sitting in the front row of class. 

I love my glasses. They frame my eyes, allow me to see far distances and I can push them up my nose if I so desire to be edgy. Plus, they’re wonderful for giving your ears a workout. With the extra paper I forked over to the optometrist, my pair even darken themselves in the sunlight to preserve my precious eyes from the harsh light of the outside world. 

Some folks have told me that they enjoy the use of contact lenses to make their eyes work how they’re supposed to. But really, putting glass in your eyes? I thought that the doctors told us not to do that when we were young. 

Okay, in all seriousness, contacts definitely have their advantages. For those who don’t prefer the obviously superior look of glasses, they allow you to have decent vision while appearing as if you’re normal. In the age of smartphone-induced macular degeneration, it makes perfect sense that this is developing as such. 

However…at the same time…glasses just prove to be so convenient. With proper care and a certain appreciation for rust, the same pair of glasses can last for years upon years providing better vision. On the other hand, contacts need to be replaced and they also typically require lubrication so that you don’t scratch your eyes when putting them in. I prefer glasses, thank you very much.

Not to say that they don’t have their downsides. I admit, I’ve broken several pairs of glasses in my time, typically involving some sort of sports-related incident and it can be quite dangerous if the broken glass finds its way into your face. Also, it typically takes quite a bit of time to replace them if you do break them somehow. They can also trigger reactions to your skin, depending upon your sensitivities and they do wear down on your nose after prolonged usage. 

And when you lose a pair of glasses on your head, you’ll know the pain of searching desperately for fifteen minutes, only to pull out half your hair when you finally locate them. 

Truly, perhaps not the best of human innovations, but I much prefer them to contacts.

Instead, I propose an alternative. We should all once again wear monocles. Think of the absolute class of an entire campus pulling out a monocle when they deign to see something, then snickering as the beer can that they were peering at rolls into the park. 

I know, controversial. We’re not like those other schools, we have class! Just ask anybody walking around on Seventh Street on a chipper Saturday afternoon.