Last weekend, I saw my favorite band, Japanese Breakfast, live for the first time. Anyone who has read my articles knows how much I love them; I wrote two articles about them. And the entire time, I couldn’t help but think that Michelle Zauner had no idea that the words she was singing have changed my life even though I was no more than a hundred feet away from her. I mention this because watching them perform all of my favorite songs prompted me to reflect on how my relationship with art has changed in the past four years at Bucknell.

I don’t like thousands of things. I’m the type of person who likes very few things but wants to know everything about them. I knew every single Japanese Breakfast song at the concert, I have read over 60 Stephen King novels (and many other horror novels as well), I’ve rewatched countless TV shows (“Community,” “Stranger Things,” “Parks and Recreation” to name a few). And so, by getting to know these things intimately, I try to figure out what part of myself is reflected in each of them. 

Which led me to the conclusion that I enjoy art as a means to soothe my anxiety, and I reached this conclusion over the course of my Bucknell career. 

In my first year, I began writing satire articles for The Bucknellian. At the time, I thought it was a fun extracurricular with little effort involved. But as I wrote more satire and eventually became a satire editor, I realized that people need comedy. I need comedy to make myself laugh and feel joy, and so even articles as trivial as “Bucknell enters its Hot Girl Era” or “What are Bucknellians willing to do for the plot?” act as beacons of brightness amidst uncertain and often stressful times. 

I wrote comedy, but if you were to meet me or hear me read at an open mic, you would probably ask me, “You’re the guy that writes horror, right?” And I would nod and smile, and you might ask me why I like horror, and I would probably say that I like the adrenaline rush. But I would be lying. I don’t just like horror because of the adrenaline rush.

Over the course of my years at Bucknell, I realized that I have some pretty bad anxiety. I won’t go into specifics, but it was challenging for me to admit that I had a problem, and it’s because of the love and support from my friends and loved ones (mainly my girlfriend) that gave me the courage to get some help. And this made me wonder why I love horror if I struggle with anxiety.

Google said that horror can provide people who have anxiety with safe flight-or-flight situations, leading to a temporary relief. So yes, four years ago I would have said I love horror because of the adrenaline rush, but now, as I graduate with a new set of fears and uncertainties, I know that this love is actually something deeper and more intimate. Bring on scary clowns, vampires and haunted houses, because life is scarier than they are. To quote Stephen King, “We make up horrors to cope with the real ones.” Although, I will emphasize that I do not read just Stephen King (I feel the need to clear up this misconception). I also recommend Stephen Graham Jones, Shirley Jackson, Clive Barker, Victor LaValle, Grady Hendrix… and, yeah, I’m getting carried away. Where was I?

Oh, right. Life. Life is pretty amazing, too. Life has given me iced mochas to drink and a computer to write this article on. It’s given me a blank page. For the first time, I have no idea how I’m going to fill it. If I view my life as a novel, then I’m just entering the next chapter, and there are thousands of pages left to fill. Will I fill it by writing an actual novel? Travelling the world? Getting a job despite a terrible job market?

I don’t know. But I do know that it’ll all be a little bit better if I keep listening to Japanese Breakfast, reading horror and writing.