In true Vogue fashion, The Bucknellian, too, has an opinion on the whole boyfriend debacle. Vogue writer Chanté Joseph took the world by storm last fall with her think-piece “Is Having a Boyfriend Embarrassing Now?” The article sparked debates all across the avenues of the internet as women opened up about their shame in being publicly linked to romantic relationships with men. In a world where it feels that romance is a relic of ancient civilizations, I do understand the appeal of this “heteropessimistic” outlook. “Heteropessimism,” or “heterofatalism,” is a term coined by sexuality scholar, Asa Seresin, describing the feelings of hopelessness, frustration or embarrassment associated with heterosexual dating and relationships. However, I can’t help but to wonder if this cynical response to dating culture is actually doing more harm than good.
“Ugh, men,” is a term I hear about a million times a day. Often, it’s interchangeable with the more passionate saying “I hate men,” both alluding to the same idea: men do not respect women and this appears in their inability to foster healthy, communicative relationships or connections with them. And yet, heterosexual women still actively pursue relationships with men. This paradox reaches a catalyst in relationships where women pursue these connections with men for their own internal pleasures, yet still feel an overwhelming sense of shame or embarrassment when vocalizing this publicly.
No one wants to be the “my man, my man, my man” person, and rightfully so, because while a relationship can surely be an asset to your life, it should never be the focal point or definitive trait of yourself as an individual. To that point, yes, having a boyfriend, or partner as a whole, is embarrassing if it is the most interesting thing about you (which, I promise, it never is). Or, if your partner is known to have questionable morals, lack quality characteristics or better yet, publicly disrespect you and your relationship, that too, is of the highest embarrassment. However, as a whole, there is nothing wrong with wanting to be loved, even if it is by a man. Love, and the pursuit of it, is never something to be embarrassed about.
With society shifting to be more accepting of women existing beyond their relationships to men, while acknowledging the flaws in placing male-centered relationships on a pedestal whether it be familial or romantic relationships, it seems that some women have taken a more radical approach of reclaiming their identities by antagonizing a perfectly normal “want” to be in a relationship. I’ve felt the brunt of this fear myself, an impending sense of doom for posting a man I’m romantically involved with on my social media. Or even publicly accepting the title as a “girlfriend” and by heterosexual standards, having a “boyfriend.” It felt damaging to the image I’ve created for myself. However, the question again, is why? If I was an accomplished, gorgeous, otherworldly baddie before having a boyfriend, why could I not still be one while having a boyfriend? Why would a relationship equate to releasing power over myself and my individuality?
Many women have been conditioned to the belief that men’s inability to respect their romantic, sexual, platonic or even familial relationships will manifest in their personal relationships with them. It’s only a matter of time before they too are cast aside in his path of “self discovery” or “recovery” as he heals from his dead grandma or the girls in fifth grade who rejected him. This can then feel like a slap in the face especially if you’ve invested feelings and sacrificed time and energy into this relationship. I feel that this resentment, while natural, truly manifests when you are aware you’ve been putting yourself second to your relationship. That is the part that drives that embarrassment, which is why it’s important to continue developing a sense of self and identity outside of your relationship. And while this fear of “being embarrassed” isn’t far-fetched, one bad experience, or even two or three, shouldn’t deter you from the appeal of love and, moreover, being in love.
Being in love, or in the pursuit of love shows that you are filled with love and therefore capable to receive it in the same ways you unabashedly give it. Additionally, it is always better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all. Regardless of the outcome, if you know that you put your best foot forward to love someone genuinely and allow yourself to feel loved, then you’ve already won in unimaginable ways.