Sleeping Around: Awkward Ex Sex

Stacey Lace


I’ll be honest—I like getting laid as much as you do, but every time I get down and dirty with an ex, it ends in a really sticky situation. You know, the kind of situations where you inevitably have to return some article of clothing that you stole so you didn’t have to walk home cold in the middle of the night (or, from the other side, where you have to continuously chase down said article of clothing).

We all get those “I haven’t done it in a while and I think it’s time. Maybe I should shoot my ex a booty call text” feelings once in a while. What we should realize is that while the idea always starts off well, it can often lead us into dangerous territory.

Prior to the ex sex-text, I know that I only think about one consequence—the actual sex. I don’t really like to dwell on the ex. To be frank, ex sex is about 99 percent about the sex and one percent about the ex. The ex is really just a convenient animalistic outlet for those times when your hormones are feeling a little lonely.

This indifference to the ex is what I think leads us to the awkward part of awkward ex sex. Usually, I like to put a little inebriation into the equation to soften the blow, but somehow it never fails to prevent the half-night stand.

Half-night stand: (n.) a shortened version of the one-night stand; leaving a sexual partner’s bedside before morning, typically before the partner wakes (Dlugatch & Eitches, “Daily Californian, Sept. 7, 2004)

Half-night stands are the perfect way to minimize the awkwardness. It doesn’t eliminate it completely, but I think it’s lessened.

I just hate the GIG (Good morning, Immediate Goodbye) aspect of the wake up. I find the GIG to be the epitome of the awkward part of awkward ex sex. Once I’ve sobered up, I just can’t imagine wanting to spend any time with the ex talking about our feelings or what last night meant. I was just horny and the skills I know he possesses drew me in.

I also find it’s a lot easier to get a ride home at 2 or 3 a.m. than in the wee hours of the morning. Most people don’t like being woken up at dawn because their friends can’t keep it in their pants.

I look forward to the coming weekends for the sole reason of not having any ex sex. Just seeing them around campus is awkward enough; why would I want to add sex to that mix when I can avoid the repeat experience with someone new?

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