By Jack Wiles

Columnist

People these days, including myself, generally suck at reading. Our attention span as a society seems to be getting worse than that of a rat. So, for this week, I give you a list. This is the “Bucknell Bucket List”; essentially, this is me telling all four members of my readership what they should do before they leave Lewisburg. Take it as seriously as you want, but keep in mind, you probably shouldn’t.

1. Get naked.College is the one time where going streaking, skinny dipping or surprising a friend with your unfurled glory as they walk into a room is completely acceptable. It’s also hilarious for both males and females.

2. Rock a tank top. Most of us don’t look good in tank tops, especially me. My shoulders are so narrow that I would definitely be mistaken for a female if I had longer hair. (I already have been!) But, who cares? Let your guns out and look like you party because the real world will not allow you to look like a dunce.

3. Take a philosophy class. Ever seen “Animal House”? This should be enough explanation. Inside of our fingernail, there are a million different galaxies, man…

4. Put salt on a slug. I did this much earlier than college, but hey, you’ve got to do it some time and you definitely will not want to do it in front of your boss. Shrivel that slug! Maybe even make it cooler and prepare a sacrificial pyramid, Mayan style.

5. Go to wing night. This one is serious.< Lewisburg Hotel’s wings are the shit.

6. Spend a weekend sober. Guys, this is a comedy column. This form of comedy is called sarcasm.

7. Have a political argument. You don’t have to know anything about what you’re talking about, but make yourself feel smart. Pretend like you care. As in my case, Ron Paul 2012!

8. Go to a neighboring Central Pennsylvania town. This experience to me, as I feel it would be for most people reading this, was astonishing. People say the University isn’t diverse? This is absolute crap. At least we experiment with different gene pools.

9. Take a shower in the Bison. A friend of mine did this and loved it. Make sure you walk there in only a robe, or see number one on this list.

10. Leave a floater in a public bathroom. If you don’t know what this means, I’m just not going to explain it.

If you think I left anything out or have any ideas for next week, tweet me about it @Improvize.