The weekly student newspaper of Bucknell University

The Bucknellian

The weekly student newspaper of Bucknell University

The Bucknellian

The weekly student newspaper of Bucknell University

The Bucknellian

Michelle Roehm named next Dean of the Freeman College of Management
Bucknell’s campus dining: A personal ranking
Women’s Basketball prevails over Boston University

Women’s Basketball prevails over Boston University

February 16, 2024

Women’s Tennis grabs 4-3 win at home

Women’s Tennis grabs 4-3 win at home

February 16, 2024

‘Seeing sound’ in the Samek Art Museum

‘Seeing sound’ in the Samek Art Museum

February 16, 2024

View All

From the mind of Wiley Jack: My Life as an Athlete

By Jack Wiles

Columnist

The last two weeks of writing this column I have exaggerated things in an attempt to induce laughter from your gullible little bodies. This week, shit gets real. From this pathetic and embarrassing story, I hope that you readers leave feeling sorry for me and go do something to change your lives for the better. It’s motivation time, son.

I was never a great athlete–-I’ll be the first to admit it–-but I could be decent at times and I played some sports in high school. Basketball was one that I dabbled in. When a group of my friends made a B-League intramural basketball team, I hopped on board very quickly. It’ll be fun! Some good exercise with my friends! Hoo-rah! Wiles, you sir, are incorrect. Little did I realize that B-League basketball was actually like training to become a Navy Seal … in Death Valley … with a large three-toed sloth affixed to my back.

Story continues below advertisement

Layup lines were easy. I even made a few jumpers in warm-ups, so I got on the court with more confidence than Tony Stark. After about three trips up and down the court (that’s six if you count in one-way trips), I was huffin’ and puffin’ like I just gave birth. When I looked up too quickly, everything got blurry and I felt like I was going to faint. Let me pause and remind you that we’re playing uncompetitive B-League basketball. I’m the first sub out and I can’t even stand on the sidelines. I have to wait until the second half to go back in. I played maybe a third of the entire game and I felt worse than Lance Armstrong felt when he had one of his balls removed.

I got back to my house, started coughing a lot and vomited. Projectile, disgusting, I’m sorry you have to read this part, barf … from 14 minutes of B-League intramural basketball. I never do any exercise, never work out, eat unhealthily, etc. Readers, let me tell you, this will change. This must change. I’m hopping back on the court right after I finish writing this column. I’m changing my diet; hell, maybe I’ll go on a little jog every once and a while. Baby steps are crucial. I hope you do the same. Be healthy and take care of your bodies, because let me tell you … puking after a B-League basketball game is straight up embarrassing.

(Visited 50 times, 1 visits today)

Leave a Comment
More to Discover

Comments (0)

The editorial board of The Bucknellian reserves the right to review all comments before they are posted on the website and remove any if deemed offensive, illegal or in bad taste. Comments left on our web pages are not necessarily in-line with the views expressed by the writer.
All The Bucknellian Picks Reader Picks Sort: Newest

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *