From the mind of Wiley Jack: My Life as an Athlete

By Jack Wiles


The last two weeks of writing this column I have exaggerated things in an attempt to induce laughter from your gullible little bodies. This week, shit gets real. From this pathetic and embarrassing story, I hope that you readers leave feeling sorry for me and go do something to change your lives for the better. It’s motivation time, son.

I was never a great athlete–-I’ll be the first to admit it–-but I could be decent at times and I played some sports in high school. Basketball was one that I dabbled in. When a group of my friends made a B-League intramural basketball team, I hopped on board very quickly. It’ll be fun! Some good exercise with my friends! Hoo-rah! Wiles, you sir, are incorrect. Little did I realize that B-League basketball was actually like training to become a Navy Seal … in Death Valley … with a large three-toed sloth affixed to my back.

Layup lines were easy. I even made a few jumpers in warm-ups, so I got on the court with more confidence than Tony Stark. After about three trips up and down the court (that’s six if you count in one-way trips), I was huffin’ and puffin’ like I just gave birth. When I looked up too quickly, everything got blurry and I felt like I was going to faint. Let me pause and remind you that we’re playing uncompetitive B-League basketball. I’m the first sub out and I can’t even stand on the sidelines. I have to wait until the second half to go back in. I played maybe a third of the entire game and I felt worse than Lance Armstrong felt when he had one of his balls removed.

I got back to my house, started coughing a lot and vomited. Projectile, disgusting, I’m sorry you have to read this part, barf … from 14 minutes of B-League intramural basketball. I never do any exercise, never work out, eat unhealthily, etc. Readers, let me tell you, this will change. This must change. I’m hopping back on the court right after I finish writing this column. I’m changing my diet; hell, maybe I’ll go on a little jog every once and a while. Baby steps are crucial. I hope you do the same. Be healthy and take care of your bodies, because let me tell you … puking after a B-League basketball game is straight up embarrassing.

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