From the Mind of Wiley Jack: The I Love List

By Jack Wiles

Columnist

Lately there’s been a great deal of  anger around this campus, and admittedly I myself have contributed. To counteract this ornery, negative vibe that recently has been seeping from the walls, I have begun to think about the things that I love. So, for this week, here is another list: The I Love List.

1. I love rodents. I don’t care what anyone says, the Rodentia order of mammals are the cutest animals ever. They are also extremely unintelligent, which makes them easy to manipulate. If you put one in a cage, watching it run a wheel makes anybody’s day.

2. I love processed foods. Why would you want a natural cut of steak when you can eat meat from a gun or a can? Processed foods never go bad, have additional seasonings and come in shapes we’ve all learned about in geometry class. Plus, who hates hot dogs?

3. I love Bernie Mac. R.I.P, bra’.

4. I love warm leather. I no longer have leather seats in my vehicle, but when I did and it was sunny out, I couldn’t wait to sit on a hot, sun-covered seat. It’s kind of like getting a hug from somebody who is for some reason much warmer than your ordinary individual.

5. I love “The Color Purple.” Danny Glover and Whoopi Goldberg work very well together, actually. I’ve never read the book, but I wouldn’t be opposed to seeing the Broadway version as well. The actual color isn’t bad either, the royalty used to wear it proudly.

6. I love cheap Mexican beer. Dos Equis, Modelo? Nah, son. I want some Sol or Corona Light. That’s what real men drink, and they drink it outside. Roofs are for wimps.

7. I love sitting with legs crossed. When I say this, I mean with my right foot on my left knee, keeping legs fairly open. I feel poised, confident and relaxed all at the same time. Add arms behind the head and you’re all gravy, baby.

8. I love rice. Pop a little bit of soy on top of these lovely grains and you’ve got yourself a great meal. I also am a big fan of beans, and they serve as an excellent accompaniment. Rice is gluten-free as well.

9. I love lamp. (I totally stole that from a movie.)

10. I love America. USA: the land of freedom, of justice, of hope. Golden plains make up its abdomen and scenic coastlines grace its extremities. Canada is our hat and Mexico our beard. We’ll put a boot in your ass, and kick it at the same time. Uhmurrica.

I’m in a good mood now.

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