From the mind of Wiley Jack: Spring Break

Jack Wiles

Columnist

Spring break! I’m super pumped for it, as are many of us on campus. Ever since people made plans, I’ve noticed quite a few humorous things going on and being talked about. I want to focus on one: lookin’ good for the ladies.

I will be heading to Punta Cana in the Dominican Republic, probably as you are reading this. I’ve known about it since last semester and ever since then I kept telling myself I was going to lose a few pounds before the trip. You see, I’ve got this thing a few of my friends call “skinny fatness.” If you’ve read my previous article about B-League basketball, it is blatantly obvious that I never go to the gym, or even try to exercise. Considering the infrequency of my workouts, the amount of beer I drink and the foods I enjoy, there’s no way I’ll ever rock a six-pack. If we’re going to continue to describe our stomachs as ways that alcohol is packaged, mine is not a keg, for I am certainly not round. I’d say it is more like a Franzia wine bag. The only difference is that if you slap it, wine doesn’t come out. I hope.

Regardless of my physique, about a month ago, I started eating less, eating healthier, and maybe doing some form of exercise about twice a week. These are huge life changes for me. After maybe three weeks, things were going well, I felt my belt start to loosen, and the wine bag was slowly draining. After seeing some results, I slacked off a little bit, but for the next two weeks I probably maintained a slightly better appearance. I was content with the little progress I made because it was progress. Celebrate the small victories in life and you will always be happy.

As I write this, there is only one week to go. There’s no way I can reverse this now. I can probably do what I normally do and not gain back anything in a week, right? I was incorrect, my friends. Taco Bell started to taste great, I’m eating a brownie right now, and there’s gravy smothered chicken awaiting me directly to my left. The wine bag is back. But hey, I don’t care; at least I’m not tanning and waxing my chest like some of my friends. So I’ll rock my wine bag in Punta Cana, and I’ll have a great time doing it. Ladies beware, the wine bag is comin’, and it’s going to be hard to resist.

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