By Jack Wiles

Columnist

Last weekend was epic. It was House Party Weekend and I am happy to say that it was the best one I’ve been a part of in my four years at this institution of higher learning. This is because of Super Saturdays, and in this special case, Super Fridays. It took me four years, but finally I think I have discovered the secret to fully enjoying these days of backyard drinking: elevated surfaces.

There is no better way to show off your obviously annoyingly fratty attire and croakies than standing at a higher elevation than everyone. A table, a hay bale, an elevated porch or even your buddy’s shoulders, it doesn’t matter. You must be above everyone else or you are not having the best possible time. It also helps to point to everyone you see while singing along to the song currently playing in order to draw more attention to yourself. Next, a catch-phrase is essential. This phrase must be repeated over and over again and spoken at a very high volume. A few I heard this weekend were “let’s go,” “let’s get tropical,” “killin’ it,” “done,” “somebody’s got to do it” and my personal favorite, “tits out for the boys.” Beware, though, this phrase has a zero percent success rate and is almost guaranteed to affect women.

Another thing that helps the situation while on this elevated surface is adjusting your drinking vessel to something unusually large. It doesn’t matter if you are actually drinking this amount of alcohol or not, but it is important to look like you are. My standard choice is a bottle of champagne. What is excellent about this apparatus is that it’s also a workout in disguise. Lifting that bad boy from your waist to your mouth to the air in celebration of your last sip really tones the biceps. However, nobody wants muscle imbalance, so you have to switch hands quite often. The best option, though, is to have two of them. Scientists and researchers across the world have called this action “double fisting.” Not only does this make you look cooler than everyone, but it also motivates others to go harder, which will have the end result of some funny stories to tell your kids one day.

Lastly, while doing all of these things is extremely fun, awesome and the perfect way to go about a Saturday, don’t live in the house that hosts these types of parties. That is, unless you are actually an animal of the pig variety, because your home will become a pig sty. My house is called “The Shithole.” Try tellin’ that one to your kids.