By Stacey Lace

Columnist

This weekend, my boyfriend and I woke up late Saturday night to the sound of my neighbor giggling very loudly with some guy. I gave them some privacy, but the next morning, we decided we had to pay her a visit to get the dish on her hook-up.

When she opened the door, we immediately noticed the gorgeous hickey she was sporting on her neck. Ironically, it was in the same spot as my boyfriend’s; they’ve now bonded as hickey buddies.

This awkward encounter led me to start thinking about the art of the hickey. When I think of love bites, it takes me back to a fourth season episode of “7th Heaven” in which middle-school-aged Simon gives his girlfriend a hickey and is no longer allowed to see her.

Hickeys really are straight from the middle-school years, but I want to acknowledge that they still have merit six or seven years later on the college campus.

I enjoy the way that come Monday morning, they announce the details of your weekend. As in my friend’s case, even if you didn’t overhear her, anyone could guess what she’d been up to the night before. The bruise on her neck is a dead giveaway.

My favorite way to hide my indiscretions is to throw on a scarf since they’re so in right now. Unfortunately, this tactic might not work out for me as we head into warmer weather and scarves start looking European and douchey.

If I were in the wild, I would definitely be one of those “alpha females” willing to fight any other female to the death for her mate, babies, nest or whatever. With this quality, it’s important to me that I’m able to mark my territory.

Rather than getting sucked into some awkward encounter with another girl where I spend a lot of time with my face close to hers saying, “You didn’t know he had a girlfriend?” I’m able to do a little biting and sucking to get my point across.

Before sending my boy toy off for a night out without me, I like to leave a little trace behind, just to be there when I can’t be.

The hickey is also a really nice way to stifle moans, screams, panting, etc. After a neighbor overheard my sextracurricular activities overheard a few weeks ago (yes, we have too intimate of a bond), I needed to figure out a way to be a little quieter so I wasn’t always putting on an audio show.

I’ve learned you can’t make too much noise when your mouth is busy elsewhere. It’s nice to kill two or three birds with one stone–or one strong suction.

As we head into the weekend, start looking for signs of others’ play this weekend. I guarantee a neck bruise will give away all their secrets.