Rees' Pieces

Ben Rees
Columnist

Since graduation, we have a new, fresh and generally unemployed senior class walking the halls of the University. Unfortunately, it is time for all these rapidly aging adults to find some sort of occupation. Different jobs demand different qualifications, but all of them require an interview.

For many, interviews are very stressful. You have 30 minutes or less to explain how great you are or, if you’re not great, to lie about yourself. Should you be serious or should you be funny? Do you go Windsor or half-Windsor? Is your skirt too short? Is it too early in the season to wear white? Fear not seniors, in a few short minutes you will know exactly what to do, and more importantly, how to act in a job interview.

First and foremost, dress appropriately. Unfortunately for all of you, Sperry’s are not dress shoes; they are boat shoes. Unless you’re interviewing for Prestige International, this won’t fly. Also, if you own a tuxedo t-shirt, burn it.

Next, you will want to floss your teeth. Nothing screams, “I’m impressive” like a big piece of bacon fat hanging from your teefers.

Do not ask your potential employer: “Where do you summer?” Summer is not a verb. His douche alarm will blare.

When your potential employer asks you to talk about a time you faced adversity, don’t talk about the time you went on a class field trip to the United Nations. Adversity and diversity are two different words–familiarize yourself with them.

Don’t be afraid to be different. Make a little joke here and there and tell them an interesting story about yourself. Standing out can never hurt.

I lied; standing out can hurt. It’s perfectly fine to be different, but it’s not okay to tell creepy stories about your life that you believe are unique. They want to know about when you helped a relative get through something tough, not about how you were breastfed until age 11. Saving Mrs. Wilson’s cat from choking on your little brother’s Lego isn’t a challenging life event either.

If your hero/mentor is Kim Kardashian because of how successful and spunky she is, then you need to lie. It is now your mother because of how successful and spunky she is. See how much better that sounds?

Lastly, a letter of recommendation from your parents or relatives goes about as far as the phrase “I’m only going to have one drink tonight.” It’s nice to hear, but at the end of the day, you only say it to make yourself feel a little bit better.

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