Rees' Pieces: The Secret Life of the American Male

Man is most insightful when he is in privacy. Most men are neither orators nor performers of artistic crafts for the world to see. But there is one location where the average male can express his emotions anonymously for the rest of the population to contemplate and critique. This location has gone unnoticed and possibly repressed for at least a century. Following a month of uninterrupted contemplation during winter break, I wish to present my readership with a thorough, albeit unconventional, analysis of man’s most private artistic pursuit–bathroom graffiti.

While the bathroom may provide a private bastion for men, it also gives them a space to create art. I say men, as this is the only position I can reasonably infer from experience, but I truly hope that women engage in this same manner of intellectual expression. The stall is utilized not only as a studio, but a canvas. The stall may appear trivial for the artistic process, but in reality, it was the first form of social media. It is a private space while in use, but once the artist abdicates his throne, countless individuals can view his work. This pre-technology blog enables men to post their thoughts about innumerable relevant topics, and then, as Facebook emulated, the men can leave comments about what the others thought. No idea goes unevaluated. The portrait of each artist as a young man lies inscribed upon a universal easel; one man’s etched penis is simply a starting point that begs for myriad of additions by other craftsmen.

Many may find it hard to digest the societal relevance and importance of this realm. In response to their disdain and confusion, I declare the bathroom an area in which creativity is lauded and no “number-for-a-good-time” goes undialed. It is a place for unabashed indulgence in the most basic syntax; yet, it is also a haven for raw emotion. The restroom is exactly that: a place for rest and intellectual cathartic release. The modern day men’s restroom is akin to the French Salons, the British Pub and the powder rooms of the Industrial Revolution (although this term had a brief resurgence in 1960s discos, go figure). Criticism is encouraged, as evaluations of people, sports franchises and institutions abound.

So, the next time you begin to bubble with rage when reading crude stall lingo, remember that some creative avenues, although unconventional, are entirely pure and unadulterated. This leads to a more honest, pleasant and relaxed society, without which we would all develop repressive hysteria and desire to have sex with our mothers anyways.

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