Rees' Pieces

Ben Rees

Picnic of the World

The sun shines as the wind weaves its way around wicker baskets gorged with a myriad of deli meats; it must be the first picnic of summertime. That time of year where every nation can grace a gingham blanket with its unique presence, and people from all walks of life gather ’round to swat at thieving ants. This picnic of the world, however, varies somewhat from the song. Each country, after a long year of recorder squeaking, has only one week left of the fifth grade, and this culminating experience is getting a little rowdy. Maybe we should take a closer look through the eyes of Ms. UN, the teacher who is always totally and completely in control. From this point on, all description (translated into six different languages) will be hers.

Thank goodness China has finally come out of his shell. He was so reserved and introverted for the longest time. Something about a forbidden city … oh well, its nice to know that he is finally making friends. Although, I think he may have developed a rather premature cigarette habit; there’s so much smog around his head.

Oh, America, the chubbiest one of the bunch. What! Stop that America! Please refrain from forcing Hard Rock Cafes upon everyone at the party. There is nothing logical about the Hard Rock Cafe Bangkok! And please, Sam, please stop throwing your trash all about! Didn’t you do your monthly presentation on how clean you are?

Now, I can’t for the life of me get control of Egypt. He keeps throwing up and then eating again. It seems as if every time he purges himself in the name of expelling his sickness, all he does is fall back into the same routine and eat again! I just don’t understand it. Ever since Tunisia lit the classroom on fire two Januarys ago, Egypt has become quite volatile.

This picnic is simply madness! I thought I told these children to get along. Being their teacher is no cakewalk. I had to send France home for throwing her 58 Welch’s Grape Juice on Italy’s finely knit ascot.

At least our major bullying problem has ended. For the longest time Russia wouldn’t leave Latvia, Estonia, Ukraine, Belarus, Georgia and Stan alone. He finally had a breakdown and let them all be, but it was quite a lot to mediate for yours truly.

Wait, Iran! Didn’t I tell you no fireworks?! This is not an occasion for those! I understand you don’t want to share your chocolate milk (this is an oil joke) but please, let’s try and work something out.

Why can’t you all be more like Germany? She’s so polite and listens to all the rules. Her über kindness and fiscal responsibility bodes fantastically for the rest of her clique. I wish more people could be like–what, what are you … get your foot off Greece’s neck! I don’t care if you think he is stealing from you!

The best student in the class has to be Britain. She always brings me tea, but I cannot go anywhere near her during this picnic. Watching her eat corn on the cob with those faded, picket fence-like teeth is truly repulsive. Demerits for her!

All in all, today has been a good day. I mediated the usual conflicts and the food was delicious, although America ran off with all of the cheese-sticks. Who would have thought that my role as world moderator could be so easy?

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