Ben Rees

Full Circle

This week marks the end of Rees’ Pieces first year. Thank you so much to everyone who stomachs my often-unintelligible writing and lack of humor; your readership is greatly appreciated. That said, I believe it is only fair that I end where I started: with a list of things I disapprove of.

Summer is a time for trying new things: bathing suits, romances, summer ales and jobs. Most everyone can start anew, especially in places like the University, where nature’s manic phases oscillate heavily gloomy and grey. Though many wish to toss inhibition to the summer breeze, there are certain things everyone should keep in mind before departing for recess, and luckily, I have a handy list of all of them.

In the winter, mammals grow their winter-coats in order to trap heat close to their bodies, but in the summer, they shed this hair in order to stay cool. Remember, humans are mammals. Please, please shave your winter pelts. Ladies, this means your legs, and fellas, this means thin out the back mane. Warren Zevon wrote “Werewolves of London” not “Werewolf of South Beach.”

Secondly, tans occur naturally. Granted, tans occur naturally for some more than others (myself included in the “others” category), but get a tan naturally. I find it strange when people are dark in early April. Yes, they may have gone somewhere sunny over spring break, but usually when a person looks as if an orange crayon colored them in, they didn’t lay out in the Tuscan sun.

Third, let modesty be damned. When a beach says nude, go the full monty. This is your opportunity to let your flag fly, no matter how elderly your government I.D. says you are. Every decade you add to your lifespan is another reason to show off your swingin’ bod (rockin’ seemed too youthful a term). Plus, liver spots are in.

If you attend a concert, make a point to pop every beach ball tossed in the air by some dumb girl on an even dumber guy’s shoulders. Music festivals are great, but nobody likes to take a sweaty beach ball to the face in the middle of Dave Matthews jamming out to “The White Man’s Burden,” or whatever he sings.

Finally, for those of you with summer internships or new jobs, although summer is a time to let your hair down and maybe forget to spray yourself with Axe, it is most certainly not the season to let yourself go in the workplace. No employer ever said: “Woah, that pooka shell necklace and dope hemp ankle bracelet truly compliments your suit and tie combo.”

And with that, you have my final installment for the year. If I am invited back in the fall, please pick up a copy of a poor artists’ musings every Friday. Have a great summer!