Rees’ Pieces: Listless

Ben Rees , Columnist

10 Things That You Know All About If You’re Red Headed And Your BFF Is Your Dog! 18 Ways You Know Your Roommate Is Claustrophobic! 35 Cartoons in which You Missed the Eroticism! 15 Books You Should Read!

We all know nobody will read any of the 15 books on that list. That’s the point of a list, isn’t it? Numbers and bullet points make big clumps of words so much less scary. Who wants to read something that doesn’t indent every three lines? Not me, not me!

The proliferation of lists, mostly in the form of Buzzfeed and other copycats, will be the death of books, magazines, and newspapers. By numbering your points, readers sift through all of that unnecessary prose-y trash in order to save time for other activities. Who needs to elaborate on an argument when a GIF of Amy Poehler downing a bottle of Pinot will succinctly convey an appropriate level of sass?

Personally, I can’t wait until academics adopt this trend. It’s just terrible when professors require complete sentences. My English classes would make so much more sense if I didn’t have to sort through all of Dickens’ extra words. Kid is hungry, someone dies, famous magician, funny British names, the end. StairMaster time anyone?!

The Career Development Center needs to step up their list game too. Resumes are entirely pointless. I may as well just submit my list to online job portals. It’s ready-made and totally captures my essence.

9 Things You Need To Know About Ben So You Will Pay His Rent

  1. I’m EAGER (Insert picture of snuggly corgi)
  2. I have great ideas (We skate to one song and one song only)
  3. I’m super honest and tell it like it is (Insert any GIF from Bridesmaids)
  4. I have an EAR for fantastic jingles (Attach picture of Vincent Van Gogh)
  5. Compassion is totally my thing (Insert picture of snuggly corgi)
  6. I bring a unique flavor to creative projects (GIF of New York from “Flavor of Love” spitting on the blonde girl)
  7. My anxiety is endearing (GIF of Josh from “Drake & Josh” dropping a weight on his foot after misfiring his potato gun)
  8. I take criticism very well (Picture of Kanye smiling really big!)
  9. I’m great at forging business relationships (Insert picture of snuggly corgi, with a tie)
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