Rees’ Pieces: Let’s get down to business

Ben Rees , Columnist

Now that we’re almost in the working world, all of my friends and I are starting to realize that a $7 Wells Fargo balance simply isn’t an option. Churros do not provide you with vitamin C, and scurvy becomes a real threat.

We all have that group of friends that bands together to start a super-business. It’s invariably a firm, if you can call it that, that tries to get too much done with no planning. They want to cover all sectors of the economy immediately. Beverage distribution, entertainment planning, sports agency—none of it is too daunting of a task. You have to wish them well though, because they’re your friends.

Well, I like to play on Investopedia. I enjoy reading about the stock market and general business. I like to dream about placing all my chips on red 12 and winning enough to retire at 28. Because of this, these friends always approach me to ask for tips. First point, if I’m their pro advisor, then they’re dead in the water. No questions asked.

Anyways, the thing they always get the most hung up on isn’t what tax classification they should be filed under, or how to get investors lined up—it’s the name. They need a super cool name to signify how much dough they’re gearing up to bring in.

They say, “Hey Ben, quick question bro. We’ve got a couple of names lined up, and you read all that business newspapery type stuff; let us know what you think, okay?”

This moment is the litmus test for whether or not they understand what this process entails, and this can go in two very distinct paths. They can either be awful names like Pro Management, LLC; Big Time Boys, LLC; or some other ridiculous moniker that’s just one step away from Short Attention Spans, Inc. The other option is that they picked up some company names at some point during life. No matter how little you read, you have heard of MetLife even if you don’t know what they do, just because they’re so important. So they rattle out these names that are clearly already copyrighted, but they give dumb reasons for selecting them.

The first was: “So the founders are Mike, Mitch, and Mark—how’s 3M sound?! You know, for like the three of us.” No, sorry guys that one’s taken.

The second got a little better … the logic was: “We’re the strongest group in the city! Nobody can top us. Let’s do something like City Group!” Again, taken and is probably stamped on your ATM card.

“Well damn it, dude, you help us think! All my ideas aren’t made of gold. How are we going to cater to every pillar of society? … Wait, I got it! Caterpillar!”

Best of luck, guys.

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