If you’re the average University student, you’re obsessed with finding a job or internship year-round. But trying to trick someone into thinking you’re worth a desk and a computer is not all that easy. It’s a cut-throat market, as employers have a million punks like you shamelessly brown-nosing them 24/7. Here are some general tips to really kill the job/internship process, or the getting-your-parents-to-stop-harassing-you-every-two-minutes-about-being-a-failure process. The most important part is not to get thrown off by the curve ball questions. Nobody wants to hire someone who stands there gasping like a fish when asked what is 40 percent of 40. Here are a few example questions and answers. Trust me, these will work:

Q: Tell me about a time you have taken a risk.

A: I made out with a girl at a Limp Bizkit concert. I knew better, but I was raging to the music and it just felt right. I learned a lot about myself that day.

Q: What is a time you have paid attention to detail?

A: During pledging I did a jigsaw puzzle on a prostitute–500 pieces, It took me six hours, but I got it done perfectly. I called my dad after.

Q: What are your greatest weaknesses?

A: I pulled both my quads in high school which ended my hockey career. I still don’t have great flexibility. Also, I don’t recycle and I’ve never read “The Hunger Games.”

Q: Tell me about a time you have been a leader.

A: I convinced all the guys on my first-year hall to reserve one toilet for going number two and another for number one. There are no urinals, so had to be done. I felt like Moses giving out the Ten Commandments to the Hebrews.

Q: What would your best friends say about you?

A: They would probably mention the time when I packed a lip while meeting the Pope. That was pretty legendary.

Q: What can you do for us that other candidates cannot?

A: Well I can bait a hook and play the piano, so good luck finding that combo anywhere else. I’ve gone to the finals of my fantasy football league for the past three years, and I have an unreal knowledge of Kurt Russell films.

Q: What did you like least about your last job?

A: My boss always smelled like mediocre Indian food. In fact, my whole office did. I worked at a mediocre Indian food place so basically that part. 

Yeah, so just say those things, but in a different way. Hopefully this all helps you future Willy Lomans as you start your long, soul crushing descent into a self-destructive mid-life crisis.