Comedy Column: Bucknell Bans Sunsets

Guy Efrat, Columnist

Much to students’ dismay, the University has announced that it will be canceling all further sunsets for the year. The school has cited numerous reasons for the cancellation of all sunsets.

First, the school believes that sunsets are becoming a distraction to students and are therefore doing more harm than good. Eager, hardworking students are coming to the library to study and instead are greeted with a beautiful sunset that keeps them out of the library for five to 30 minutes, depending on the beauty of the sunset. Those are crucial minutes that students could spend doing more work and filling out more forms.

Second, the school finds the word “sunset” to be a little offensive after hearing several students call their peers “dirty sunsets.” An unnamed faculty member witnessed two students walking down the quad when one of the students tripped and fell. As he was getting back up, the other student proceeded to laugh at him and call him a “dirty sunset.” Said faculty member did not know what the phrase meant, but she was offended nonetheless and reported the incident to school officials. School officials agree that it is not in their best interest to risk public embarrassment over having “sunsets” on their campus.

And finally, a student by the name of Timothy Sunset was not too pleased to learn that his family’s famous trademark was being used without his consent. Sir Sunset immediately asked to be given the financial retributions that he deserved for the years of sunset use on this campus and that a statue of himself be erected in front of the library. The school, not wanting to deal with such a financial burden or display Timothy Sunset’s awful face to the innocent students of this school, decided they must do something at once. With all three reasons in mind, they decided that banning sunsets was the only option left. Starting this week, sunsets will no longer be a part of the University.

To compensate for the lack of sunsets, the school has decided to throw a big event in place of sunsets called #BEAUTY. #BEAUTY will be a school sponsored event that will feature finger painting, a car light show put on by Officer Joe Dunkin’, and free food ranging from baby celery sticks to leftover tofu fresh from Bostwick Marketplace. There will also be a guy named Pete talking about his favorite Ben Affleck movies and a Joan Rivers Memorial Service commemorating her years of service to sunset-related endeavors. The school is very optimistic about this event, expecting a turnout of #EPIC proportions.

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