Comedy Column: Study Finds Connection Between Ebola and Vineyard Vines

Guy Efrat, Comedy Columnist

Top scientists have recently discovered a close connection between the clothing brand Vineyard Vines and the Ebola virus. After closely examining the fabrics used by the clothing company, Dr. Eric Bola, lead researcher at the Virus Prevention Center in Copenhagen, found traces of strolius magnus umbra gapamine (SMUG) within nearly 100 percent of their clothing. SMUG is the parasite that directly leads to the outbreak of Ebola in the body, and scientists are still looking for a way to stop the SMUG.

When asked what progress has been made in stopping SMUG, Bola said, “At this point, we are still trying to figure out exactly what SMUG is and what it is doing to people’s immune systems. We have, however, found some symptoms that are directly related to this parasite and we want to make sure the public is aware so they can get their friends diagnosed right away.”

Bola released the following list of possible symptoms of SMUG:

1) Constant eye rolling.
2) Acting too chay.
3) Abnormally high Yik Yak usage.
4) Paying for everyone’s Domino’s order and saying, “Daddy’s got this one.”
5) Being a “hardo.”
6) Referring to friends as “bruhhhh.”

“If you start seeing your friends exhibiting any of these symptoms, please take them to the nearest health facility immediately to make sure that they can get treated properly,” Bola said. “Also, we highly recommend that anyone who wears Vineyard Vines apparel stop doing so immediately. That includes button down shirts, ties, and limited edition Halloween sweaters. On a side note, although we we are not positive, we also recommend that the public avoid other clothing brands such as Sperry’s, L.L. Bean Boots, and any type of vest ever.”

The University, a leader in student health concerns, has decided to take action and ban any Vineyard Vines apparel from campus. For those who have prescription Vineyard Vines gear, they will need to go to Health Services and show the proper paperwork from their doctors.

Doctors say that a SMUG vaccine is near completion and once it is, the student government has announced that all of their funding will go toward getting that vaccine to all students on campus. One student suggested that the school simply stop wearing Vineyard Vines, at which point he was harshly criticized on Yik Yak for not being open-minded. We are all praying for the cure to come soon and for this awful Vineyard Vines ban to come to an end.

(Visited 104 times, 1 visits today)