Comedy Column: How Many Management 101 Students Does it Take to Sell a Shirt?

Will Luckey, Columnist

Let’s say you have a shirt. It’s a shirt with a popular brand on the back, maybe Patagonia, Southern Tide, Vineyard Vines, or maybe a Nantucket oversand vehicle permit logo. Well, what if you want a shirt that has that exact same logo and color scheme, but also reflects your fervent school spirit? Then you are in luck, because every semester the University’s sharpest minds come together to supply this niche market. They are, of course, the cut-throat business titans of the Management 101 classes. But what does it take to put these treasures on your back? Let’s take a look at the breakdown of a Management 101 company. You need:

  • One person to be the CEO and two to monitor their head growth.
  • Four to be jealous of not getting elected to a made-up CEO position.
  • Eight people to complain about how Management 101 is the hardest class at the University. Don’t ever take it. Seriously, you have no idea.
  • Two people to tell you how valuable what they are learning is. You should definitely take this class—it will make you rich.
  • Six people to be in a meeting constantly, and another 12 to whine about having to go to meetings all the time.
  • Two TAs to test the employees’ ability to master basic social skills by remembering the names of their co-workers.
  • Five to tell you they have just as much work as engineering majors.
  • 10 to set up an online survey, and one brave soul to post in every classes’ Facebook forum asking for two seconds of their time to lie and say they’ll buy the product.
  • Three to handle federal indictments for running a Ponzi scheme.
  • Two to whine about the course in their sleep every night.
  • 35 Bangladeshi children to earn 2 cents per hour ingesting dangerous chemical fumes and risking mutilation while manufacturing the textiles involved in making the shirts.
  • Five to tell you how important having an up-to-date LinkedIn profile is.
  • Four people begging for sales in the Elaine Langone Center mall while you pretend they’re panhandlers.
  • Six to harass people by the library entrance like vultures when they’re trying to get to class.
  • And one to remind everyone that if they’d gone with her idea, they would be winning right now.
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