Comedy Column: Monkey Speaker Set to Talk About Experiences with Jane Goodall

Guy Efrat, Columnist

The University administration has just announced that the next guest speaker for its lecture series will be one of the monkeys who has worked directly with anthropologist Jane Goodall for the last 10 years. Renowned monkey companion, Jim Panzee, will talk about his experiences with Goodall and what it was like being part of Goodall’s crew. To prepare for this lecture, Panzee has agreed to provide a short summary of what audience members should expect to hear when they attend.

“Before Jane came into our life, us monkeys had it hard. We’d spend days scavenging through the jungle trying to find one measly banana. I’ve seen a lot of honest, hard-working monkeys sell themselves out just to get enough banana juice to feed their kids. Life was real tough back then, but then Jane arrived,” Panzee said. “When she came, she gave all of my friends and me 10 bananas each. And all she asked of us was a high five, a thumbs up, or some other stuff. I’m not sure if she was just really nice or really dumb. I’ll tell you what, my wife would not stop yelling at me when I threw my poop all over the house, but as for Jane, she would laugh and give me even more bananas. Once in a while she’d try talking to me by yelling ‘ooh ooh ah ah’ and I would just look at her and say ‘speak English!’ Regardless, the woman was the best thing to happen to me since Monkey Jesus came into my life.”

Panzee is scheduled to speak on Feb. 29, 2015 and will be presenting his findings with PowerPoint. 

Many students seem to be excited for this lecture series.

“I can’t wait to pet the monkey. I hope he’s furry,” one student said.

Another student asked if he could bring a top hat and monocle as a gift for Panzee.

The school administration understands that the audience for this lecture will be enormous so along with the Weis Center for the Performing Arts, they have also reserved the men’s bathroom on Lower Level Two of the library as a live screening room. Panzee said he might leave some surprise poops in there for loyal fans. This lecture will be sure to make you go bananas!

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