President defends size of the University’s endowment

Will Luckey, Columnist

LEWISBURG- Over the past few weeks, the University President has been reacting to a recent ongoing backlash over the size of the University’s endowment. Parents, trustees, students, faculty, physicians, and members of the President’s men’s league hockey team, the “Zambonerz,” have expressed concerns that he does not boast a large enough endowment.

Currently at $751 million, the University’s endowment falls behind rival schools Colgate, Holy Cross, Boston University, Lafayette, and Lehigh in terms of amount per student. In previous years, the University tried to compensate for this lack of endowment by purchasing expensive cars for its Public Safety department, throwing lavish galas for generous alumni, and erecting giant statues throughout the campus.

But recently, parents have complained that with such an unimpressive endowment, students may simply be faking it when they say they enjoy their time at the University. As students were dropped off at the start of the semester, the President was seen scurrying around the dorms to fervently defend the size of his endowment to parents.

“It’s not too small, okay? It’s an average endowment,” he assured.

He then boasted, “Trust me, the endowment is sizable enough to leave your son perfectly satisfied by the time we’re finished with him.”

“And better yet,” he added, “It’s growing right now!”

Indeed, the President has managed to increase the endowment by over $150 million in the past three years, a fact he seems intent on sharing. At a recent national conference for university presidents, our President was quick to alert every attendee about the growth spurts the University has achieved.

“In fact, the endowment is getting so huge I’m getting a state-of-the-art wrestling facility, can your shrimpy little endowment get you that?” he shouted while whipping his towel at American University President Neil Kerwin, who currently only has an endowment of $535 million.

“That’s what I thought, your students probably can’t even tell when you’re spending the endowment on them,” he gloated at the visibly embarrassed Kerwin, while high-fiving a few other presidents.

But the President’s moment of adulation was soon cut short when Yale’s President Peter Salovey challenged him to come check out his $23.9 billion endowment anytime to see if he saw anything he liked.




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