Comedy Column: God was Rooting for the Seahawks?

Guy Efrat, Columnist

After the thrilling conclusion to Super Bowl XLIX, Patriots fans rejoiced while Seahawks fans retreated to their caves. But one member of the beloved 12th man simply could not remain silent. That person was God. Everyone’s favorite biblical character/Morgan Freeman impersonator revealed to the student newspaper that he has been a die-hard Seahawks fan for quite some time. The Supreme Being himself had some words to say on the devastating loss:

“I tried everything I could to get this team to win. Just look at NFC Championship Game. My boy Russ [Wilson] throws four picks and you think he can just make one of the greatest comebacks in history on his own? No way. Don’t get me wrong, the kid is a multiracial prince but he cannot throw a football to save his life. I’ve been giving him a little extra boost here and there to get the ball to where it needs to go, you know, kinda like how they did it in ‘Angels in the Outfield.’ Marshawn [Lynch] on the other hand … beast, the perfect combination of speed and strength. He’s the son I wish I had, aka Better Jesus.

But let’s get back to the big picture, the Super Bowl. First thing I do is turn this Foot Locker employee Chris Matthews into some sort of Randy Moss so he can catch these bombs from Russ [Wilson]. But that’s not enough for them! My Hawks give up 14 in the fourth so guess what, I gotta come up with some more magic. That’s when I decide to tamper one last time and have Jermaine Kearse make that circus catch. Was he supposed to catch it? No. Do I give a damn? Also no. I try everything I can to get this team to win and then BOOM, Malcolm Butler gets the pick! [Bill] Belichick must have made some sort of deal with Satan because even I did not see that one coming. But for my sake, why the hell didn’t they run it? Hey Pete [Carroll], I got a message for you: Hand it over to Lynch next time!”

God had several more messages for Carroll that were too obscene to be featured in this article, but he assured us that he will remain a Seahawks fan forever or until he finds another bandwagon to jump on. In addition, we asked his holiness what he thought about the Katy Perry halftime show to which he responded, “Just stop.”

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