Valentine’s Day causes a lot of stress for some guys, so I thought I might try and help. Valentine’s Day is about love, which is a zero-sum competition. It’s like a bullfight, and you’re the bull. At first you think you can win because you have horns and the girl you love is just a scrawny matador in a fruity-outfit, but the officials drug you before the fight because you didn’t compliment the matador’s new haircut. Then the matador tricks you into thinking that the fight is about the red cape, but when you strike the cape, the matador stabs you in the neck. After all of that, everyone is still on her side and they cheer when she pierces your heart.

So here are some instructions for how to win the blood sport that is Valentine’s Day.

First, for men without women:

• Buy a bottle of Jameson
• Play “Tuesday’s Gone” on repeat
• Drink the bottle and stare at the wall until you forget what day it is

For a man with a woman, victory is a bit more complicated:

• Your girlfriend says she doesn’t want to do anything special, Valentine’s Day is stupid, please don’t get her a gift
• You fall for this lie until you realize all of your friends got surprisingly thoughtful gifts for their girlfriends, even Julian
• By this time, it’s too late to get her anything nice. Don’t panic, and go to CVS to buy a card. All of the good cards will be gone so you’re left with one with a Beagle on it and a pun about how “pawfect” she is, or something stupid
• All of the nice flowers are gone too, so get daffodils or whatever’s a step-down from roses
• Get a big bottle of wine to distract her from your pathetically weak expression of love for her
• These errands leave you no time to dress up before meeting her, but your shirt is basically clean so you’re good
• You meet her and she immediately comments on everything you did wrong with a villainous laugh (the matador shows the cape)
• You can make up for your errors by impressing her with how well you get along with her friends, so tell her roommate how pretty she looks (the bull gives chase)
• She starts ignoring you. Go brood with a cup of gin until you can figure out how to fix this (the bull gets drugged)
• 30 minutes later you forget why she’s mad, so go over and say something surly to her for ignoring you (the bull strikes the cape)
• She runs out crying and all of her friends tell you to leave (the sword in the neck and the roar of the crowd)
• Go home and leave a bunch of apologies on her voicemail (the matador takes a bow)
• She texts back, “Never talk to me again” (the bull lies dead in the middle of an empty stadium)
• See instructions for men without women