Comedy Column: Lewisburg landlords plot coup on Bravo amongst downtown cutbacks
April 9, 2015
A recent coup on University President Johnny Bravo has thankfully been thwarted. The coup was orchestrated by a cartel of Lewisburg landlords attempting to prevent the cutbacks in off-campus student housing.
Notorious slum-lord Sven Grimmer was said to be the mastermind of the plot. He commented that Bravo is “a phony, he hides behind fine marble columns and a gown, but he plays the same extortionist games as us.” He explained that previously there had been an agreement between the school and town where, “[Bravo] got to extort the young ones for overpriced rent, and we had our way with the older ones.” The landlords feel that Bravo has gotten greedy by forcing students to emigrate back on campus.
“It was a beautiful thing we had,” Grimmer said. “We’d squeeze every last nickel and dime from those kids that we could, and who cares if we broke the law? The cops were on our side!”
There have indeed been widespread accusations that the local constable is in cahoots with the landlords.
“We were unstoppable, we were the lords and they were the serfs,” Grimmer said nostalgically, before adding, “And that’s all over now, now we have to make an honest living like regular nobodies.”
Recent additions to the University’s infrastructure has allowed for nearly all students to amass on campus, which will cut sharply into the coffers of the landlords.
“Bout damn time,” said Bravo. “Them shifty bastards have been swindling my kids for too long. But now I got ’em all to myself. See, I’m the Lord of the realm son, the Big Kahuna, el Ultimate Hombre! Those shysters are just trying to suckle at the teat of Ol’ Johnny B. And now I gotta show ’em who’s boss. I’ll be damned if they think they can push me outta here, ha! I got armies of Ford Explorers protecting my butt. They try that crap again and I’ll smoke ’em outta their downtown holes like the rats that they are.”
Tensions between the two sides remain high, and although it is unclear who will ultimately win, it is definite that the students will continue to lose. Except for the whole education part.
