Thirteen ways to fray the nerves of Public Safety

Courtney Wren, Columnist

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A mildly reliable informed source once told me that Public Safety officers sit in their office eating popcorn and laughing while watching the cameras. If the upcoming weekend’s activities fail to motivate you to leave your room, then come out and enjoy the weekend by doing what you can to mess with our dear beloved Public Safety officers. They’ll appreciate the excitement. Here are a few ideas to get you started, but feel free to do whatever else comes to mind:

  1. Streak the quad. Just do it. See what they say. Let me know.
  1. Get a cat and hide it in your place of residence. Pretend it was you when they inquire about the incessant meowing.
  1. Train said cat to wave his paw at Public Safety as they drive by (if you live in a mod).
  1. Climb onto the roof of a mod. Get scared. Call Public Safety and/or the fire department and ask them to help you get down. Don’t admit it was a bad idea.
  1. Call Public Safety and ask them for a ride home because of the cold. Don’t take no for an answer. When they hang up, definitely call back. Incessantly.
  1. Tell Public Safety that they mishandled the situation (whatever it may be) and proceed to call Buffalo Valley Regional Police Department and ask them to come.
  1. Throw your roommate’s mattress out the window and ask for Public Safety’s assistance in getting it back up to your fourth-floor dorm.
  1. Lock all of their bikes together. Lose the key.
  1. Climb to the top of the tallest tree on the quad and pee. At 11:55 a.m. on a Wednesday, during the lunch rush.
  1. Flag a Public Safety officer down and ask if he’s going to Dunkin’ Donuts. Ask for a ride.
  1. Sit in the middle of the four-way stop in front of the LC and wail. When approached, ask for directions to the party.
  1. Call them every day for two weeks straight and ask them to unlock your door for you.
  1. Be able to accomplish all of the above without getting yourself arrested.
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