Chou’s Clues: Ravenous Squirrel on the loose

Rachel Chou, Columnist

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Public Safety is investigating student reports of a ravenous squirrel that has allegedly been attacking students around campus. In an email released last night, Dean of Students Amy Badal asked students to “avoid the consumption of peanut butter” and to “hold hands with friends when walking to class” to protect themselves from the wild beast that has infiltrated campus.

Squirrel Expert Raymond Chowdhury believes that this particular squirrel may be infected with a rare disease called glittorius petrifonius, which is caused by the inhalation of glitter particles.

“When an organism inhales at least five pounds of glitter, this can lead to glittorius petrifonius, which causes catatonic behaviors, chronic feelings of emptiness, and overactive bowel symptoms, all of which can lead to crazed and vicious actions, which explains why the creature has been attacking students,” Chowdhury said.

“I was walking to the library and all of a sudden it jumped out of the bushes and slapped me in the face. It took my student ID card and $652 in cash. My caf swipes have gone down from 35 to five swipes in only two weeks!” Amy Levinhale ’17 said.

Levinhale was sent to the hospital after the attack, and her cafeteria swipes have yet to be restored. Three other attacks have been reported in the past two weeks.

Many of the reported sightings have taken place around fraternity row, where Public Safety believes the squirrel’s lair is hidden due to the accumulation of glitter that has been found there.

“This is a dire situation where we need to stand together as a community and fight back, in order to restore safety on this campus. We will not be victimized by this ravenous squirrel. As of now, glitter will be banned on campus until we are in control of the situation,” University President John Bravman said. 

Despite the ban, the forbidden substance has been found circulating across campus grounds. Be on the lookout for more ravenous squirrel sightings in the week to come, as more squirrels are infected with the disease. Be safe, and hide the peanut butter.

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